Time Travelers Wife

Another Blog

2009-09-15T13:19:00.003-04:30

For some reason I had the idea that starting another blog about being an immature mature student would be a good idea, even though I haven't kept ths one up-to-date?

Oh well (shoulder shrug) here's the link...

http://immaturematurestudent.blogspot.com/

My middle chicken has pox!

2009-05-06T15:56:00.003-04:30

See...

Although she calls it chicken pops. Get well soon Bex xx

I think I prefer snoring!

2009-04-05T09:40:00.002-04:30

One morning I awoke to an uncomfortable wet feeling around my back. I sat up horrified, thinking I must have pissed myself whilst asleep! Quickly leaping out of bed, I muttered to myself and removed my wet clothes. As I did Dan appeared from the en-suite giggling so I started feeling really embarrassed and began trying to explain, when he piped up “It was me!” followed by hysterics.

It turned out he was having one of those dreams about peeing and then awoke to find he was not peeing in the toilet as his dream portrayed, but still lying in bed, pushed up to my back and wetting himself!

After being slightly miffed that he was going to let me take the blame, and for peeing on me! I decided that revenge would be sweeter posting his accident on here!

Appointments

2009-03-27T12:54:00.002-04:30

Bubble Brain.

I went to college as usual today, fairly nervous since I was under the impression I had a presentation to well...present! I thought maybe I could miss it in the knowledge I had to leave early today for an opticians appointment.

It turns out we didn’t have to actually present the posters, as the class just assessed it themselves and completed a form for the tutor, so after that was done we continued with the lesson. While the tutor rattled on about inheritance I continually watched the clock. Eventually she said we could go for a break, so I took my chance and asked to be excused for the rest of the lesson to attend an appointment. (Of course I didn’t tell her it was an optician’s appointment as that just sounds like a lame excuse to get away from class!).

I merrily drove back to Gosport, parked up in the car park and wandered off down the high street. The time was mid day and my appointment wasn’t until 12:25 so I popped into Costa Coffee for a Caramel Latte and Chocolate Muffin (just to add to the already huge arse!).

Fifteen minutes later I wandered back down the High street and into the opticians. I sat and waited while the man served an older gentleman. I gazed around the room, trying not to listen to the sales man telling the older gentleman that he has big ears but nowhere to hold his glasses...honestly!

To distract me bursting into laughter which would prove I was ear wigging, I decided to pull out my appointment card and look over it. As I opened the little blue booklet I read down the information which read Mrs Loveridge, 12:25 on 3rd April 2009.

I placed the card back in my bag, got up, walked out and back down the high street to the car.
My appointment wasn’t until next week!!!!

Another similar incident occurred on Tuesday when I went to attend a parents’ evening at Katie’s school only to be told it wasn’t this Tuesday it is next Tuesday...Twice in one week is not a good sign!!

Forget air miles...I want to claim Land Miles!

2009-03-27T12:50:00.001-04:30

My arse has barely left the driving seat of the Ford Mondeo these last few weeks* – Not because I’m a lazy shit, but because I’ve been travelling all over the country to check out possible Universities for September.

Three weeks ago I drove 266 miles to and from Canterbury Christ Church University for an Open Day. Two weeks ago I drove 146 miles to and from Oxford Brookes for a Visit Day, and last week I drove 240 miles back to Kent to visit Kent University for another Open day. I could at this point bore you to tears about the ins and outs of the trips, but it really wasn’t that exciting and I have forgotten most of the conversions with myself (and one sided conversations with other motorists), the car and the radio. Plus I didn’t get lost once, which really surprised me!

I still have two more Universities to visit, Portsmouth and Brighton. The later I’m not really bothered with, after a rather horrific day in the City (which can be backed up by Mum); I’m not sure why I choose it at all really? I am however looking forward to visiting Portsmouth as it turns out a friend from college is doing the same course and we have a good laugh normally so that could be fun.

Meanwhile the college have been bombarding me (and the rest of the students of course) with exams and coursework. Last week I had to content with a Chemistry exam on everything we had (supposedly) learned over the last two terms, this being enthalpy, order of reactions, Equilibrium, bonding, and calculating the number of moles in a compound and solution just to name a few. I managed to pass with 53%, which is apparently a high C...go figure? Not that I should be complaining since it helped me pass. The tutor commented on my paper saying he was expecting a higher grade. I felt a quite disappointed at myself at that point until he said “You answered all the harder questions correct, but got the easier ones wrong!” I wasn’t disappointed anymore, just kicking myself for stupid mistakes! (Mental note – never correct your first instinct answers as they will most likely be correct!)

This week I have been creating a model of a DNA strand in the thought that I would be presenting it to the class in an assessed oral exam. It turns out they just get a piece of paper and mark you on what they think – this could have proved a problem for me as I just scribbled notes for the speech on the board and didn’t take it too seriously: for instance I drew a picture of a pair of Jeans to represent Genes, an arrow pointing to the plinth holding the model saying “Wood” and a small note at the bottom of the page saying “Don’t forget – Easter holidays 3rd -17th April”. The class found it amusing but I’m not sure what the tutor will make of it?

And that’s about it in a nutshell so far...no doubt there will be humorous bus antics to follow after the Portsmouth university visit day – I actually miss that now I can drive to college

*And it’s beginning to show having split my pants while bending over to put some cookies in the oven the other night!!

Let's go to Tesco

2009-02-05T18:20:00.000-04:30

Having eaten everything edible in the house, and with news of another snow storm looming we decided to go to Tesco tonight to stock up on supplies. It was the usual trip to the shop, taking every side road to avoid rush hour traffic coming out of the only two roads in Gosport!

We leisurely strolled around the store until our trolley was just about overflowing with food and then made our way to the check-out. While Dan and the girls unloaded I chatted to the cashier and filled the bags. Finally the last item went “Beep” and the cashier asked for my club card. I opened my purse and immediately noticed my card was missing. Oh no I gasped. It not only turned out I had forgotten my club card, but it would also appear I had neglected to return my debit card back to my purse after using it last night.

I smiled it off as I realised I had my Credit card with me and quickly handed it over to the cashier. It was then she asked for my pin...”Errrr – Shit...I can’t remember!” My face began to turn a bright shade of red, as I noticed the queue behind me building. “I think it’s...” as I pressed some random numbers into the machine. “Can I not just sign for it?” I asked with a slight plead in my voice. “No sorry ma’am we require your pin”. So I stood for another minute desperately looking towards Dan for any ideas, but it was no good I couldn’t even begin to think what it was, and especially not under pressure. Another employee came over and wheeled off our goods and handed us a ticket to come and collect it all when we had a form of payment.

We headed off a highly embarrassed and very angry at myself for not checking before we left. We hopped back into the car and began the half hour journey back home. On the way we came across a fuel station with a cash machine as I had been thinking about the number and thought I had remembered it. I placed the card into the ATM and proceeded to enter the sequence of numbers. This was rejected, so I tried again with a slightly different arrangement. At this moment a grinding noise started up and I thought “Yes – It’s going to work” as a receipt pops out. I stand waiting for the card for a minute, then grab the receipt and look at it to which it read “Your card has been retained, please contact your card supplier”.

Completely outraged I stormed back to the car, landing heavily on the seat and said “Lets go” I turned to the ATM yelling “Keep it! - There’s no fucking money in there anyway!” We eventually got home, grabbed my debit card and drove back to Tesco (another half hour), picked up our shopping and arrived home, two hours later than anticipated.
Oh what fun!!

Moving House - Episode Two

2009-01-27T16:42:00.003-04:30

Four simple steps for a sofa.

Where's the fun in going into a shop, picking out a sofa and getting it delivered within the week fully built and ready to sit on.

We always have to do things slightly different to others and because of this we bought a Nabru sofa. Check out their website www.nabru.co.uk it's great. You measure your room and get a sofa to fill the space. Then you can choose it in the fabric and colour of your choice and after a bit of research it has worked out cheaper too!

Step One = Don't get crushed by a pallet of flat pack sofa

Step Two - Work out the 3-D jigsaw puzzle of sofa pieces.

Step Three - Supply this monkey with tea and he will work all day.

Step Four - The end! (Note the coffee table is still a cardboard box with a table cloth to disguise it!)

Hot Wheels

2009-01-27T16:33:00.001-04:30

We’ve bought a car...she's called "Casey"

Moving House – Episode one

2009-01-27T16:01:00.004-04:30

To anyone I haven’t informed yet - We’ve moved!!

Unfortunately it’s not into our own house, which we had lined up to purchase and renovate - It is another rental property. However, it has four bedrooms (compared to two in Fig Tree Cottage) a good sized lounge/study and kitchen/dining. It also has three toilets , which is great but proved a problem at first, because you find yourself standing crossed legged on the landing trying to decide which toilet you want to use today. And the best part...a garage!

The only other problem was it’s completely unfurnished (bar white goods), which is great as we want to start accumulating our own furniture, but when we unpacked our last box from Fig Tree Cottage we suddenly realised how little we actually own up here.

After moving in on Boxing day (not recommended! – And only because I couldn’t be arsed taking down the Christmas tree and putting it up again in the new house) we spent the rest of the Christmas holidays shopping...awesome!
Strangely I haven’t taken a picture of the outside yet, but “Here’s one I made earlier” and a few interior photos.

Looking down the stairs from the top story - Every room is on a half level, which is kind of cool, but does mean 47 steps from bottom to top!!

Looking back to the lounge from the study - It looks small but it goes around the corner.

Becky and Sarah's room at the top

Spare/Toy/Junk room

Kate's room

We are sleeping on a mattress on the floor too!

I'm back!

2009-01-26T16:56:00.002-04:30

I know, I know...it’s been ages since I last posted a blog, however it’s not because I’ve lost interest in my website or because I’m too lazy to write (possibly debatable?). In fact we have been so caught up in everything around us that blogging has taken a back burner, as more often than not I either can’t get to the computer, we have no internet connection or just don’t have the time. The later being the main reason.

But I mean to make amends, however rather than boring you all to death with a sixteen page essay on my life in the last six months I’m going to break it down in to short – exciting happenings. (Well exciting for me anyway!)

So here goes...

I’m a “mature” student not an old student - damn you pesky kids!

2008-11-02T07:59:00.003-04:30

There’s a tingling in my stomach, I don’t feel hungry, but I’m starving, and I have lost count of the number of times I’ve visited the toilet! From this you would probably assume I was ill. But, I am in fact preparing myself for an Open day at Winchester University. And it’s a mix of nerves and excitement overwhelming me that is also making me pick up a pen to put in my pencil case knowing full well that there are 5 in there already. So after bidding farewell to Dan and the girls I merrily skipped out the front gate and off down the street.

The trip itself went like clockwork and I gave myself a pat on the back for arriving at Gosport ferry just in time to step aboard as she set sail for Portsmouth dock, followed by arriving at Portsmouth train station 15 minutes before my train departed. I tried to psychically thank the train driver too when we arrived 30 minutes early for my meeting at Winchester. As I disembarked the train though I discovered my printed directions were useless in reality, so I began walking in the general direction of the University, cleverly using the sun and the rail way line to navigate. My theory was as long as I don’t cross it I will eventually stumble across the Uni. (Assuming I was on the correct side already of course). As I picked up a steady pace I noticed a group always one road ahead of me, until I reached a dead end. The options from here were to go through a cemetery or up a steep curved hill and unfortunately the group I seemed to be following had disappeared, so I turned right and began the climb. Yep I’m a chicken and would endure any Mount Everest over walking through a grave yard – even in daylight!

Just as my legs were cursing me for being such a chicken I caught sight of the group half way up the hill. They had stopped and were looking around like a family of Meerkats looking for danger. I quickly caught them up and discovered they too were lost looking for the Uni. For some reason, maybe so they wouldn’t think I had been following them or had chickened out of going through the grave yard, I said I knew the way. What was I thinking!? I’m going off my instinct, which has nearly always taken me miles in the wrong direction in the past. To save myself even more embarrassment I quickly offered to go on ahead of the group and let them know when (if) I found the Uni. I began the climb again, kicking myself, especially when I reached the summit and could only see a Prison and a Hospital! Turning left I started to think about how mad these people would be when I had led them miles away from the Uni. And worse still my weary legs were screaming that they would not be able to run from a beating. Thankfully not far up the road I spotted the lovely blue sign of “Winchester University West Downs Campus” Phew! My legs and pride were spared this time. I waved back to the group like an excited explorer having just discovered the treasure, and they waved back in appreciation, then I quickly shot down the road and into the campus to get lost in the crowds.

After the introductory speech I found myself in a group of 12 people and noticed all were teenagers being escorted by one or both of their parents. I took solace in walking alongside the guide and chatting about her course, which coincidently was the same course I was hoping to study. During the tour the rest of the group didn’t utter a word and marched around like robots. I decided to ask questions about the accommodation, even though I wouldn’t be using it, just so the guide didn’t feel obsolete, which I think she appreciated.

Thankfully I managed to lose this bunch of robots at the shuttle buses to the Kind Alfred Campus, but it was short lived as I was grouped together with a different bunch of robots and their robot parents at the other end! More tours of the campus followed and yet again I found myself asking the most questions. Eventually I arrived back at the Stripe for a lecture on my course and picked up a rainforest’s worth of leaflets and booklets. On my way out of the building I also scored myself a Winchester University pen to accompany the bag, books and now leaflets I had collected along the way.

I walked out the door of the Stripe, cup of tea in one hand and a chocolate muffin in the other and started my journey back home. On the way back to the train station, via the town centre (done deliberately- not getting lost and stumbling across it accidently...honest!) I noticed Winchester University signs pointing back in the direction I had come and kicked myself for not spotting these earlier in the day! But I chuckled to myself and walked on – It wouldn’t have been fun if I hadn’t made an arse of myself in some way. I reminisced over my day and in between snoozing on the train I thought about the next challenge ahead of me. I need to write an outstanding Personal Statement if I want to stand any chance of getting into this great Uni. And if I manage it I will of course post it on here so you can have a good laugh at me trying to big myself up.

Another Catch Up

2008-10-19T07:17:00.001-04:30

Yet again I find myself apologising to an invisible audience - Oh well – Sorry!

It’s been non-stop for the last couple of months which appears to be the norm in my life at the moment. And because of this I’m not even sure where to start, but here goes...

Working at the Primary School

Week 1 – An awkward start. The first day was strange. I found myself a good spot across the room from the teacher, as she asked, and leaned against a cabinet. I began scanning the room, trying to psychoanalyse the children in front of me with one question at the top of my mind...who was good and who was bad. Soon I found myself wandering back and forth across the room telling children to stop swinging on their chairs, or fiddling with their pencil case, which made too much noise while the teacher, was trying to do the register. As well as noting who says “Yes miss” as she calls out their names so I can also make a mental note for future reference.

While I am perched on my cabinet, I notice sideways glances being fired my way and realised the children are also trying to psychoanalyse...myself and the teacher. You could almost feel the blue ray (like Eve in Wall-E as she searches for plant life) as they scan you up and down trying to figure out if we are humans or robots and if we will be nice or nasty teachers. I would hope I was firm but fair, but I guess only time will tell.

The day went as well as could be expected with two completely new staff, not entirely sure of this school’s system, or what level each child is at on each subject, let alone their names! For a while I decided to call all of them ‘Bob’ or for the girls ‘Bobette’ to make my life easier. The only problem is when you ask bob to go and grab and pencil sharpener all the boys at the table leap up. So I’m going to have to learn names I guess!

By the end of the week I have mastered most names, began filling our display boards and made myself useful with the photocopier, guillotine and stapler – all great fun!

Week 2 – Finding our feet. The teacher had been busy over the weekend and seems to have found her feet now, as she approached me on Monday morning with a timetable of what I could do each day Super! So now I have a structured week:

Mornings – Reading with individual children, and assisting different groups with Maths and Literacy

Afternoon – Handwriting skills - This is proving a lesson for myself as well as the children, since I gave up trying to join my writing way back in Secondary school.* And assisting with whatever lesson we have that day.

Week 3 – The children’s revenge. It would appear the honeymoon period is over. This week at least three have been trying to wind me up, by constantly swinging on their chair, not doing as they were asked and generally making a nuisance of themselves in the classroom. But I still go home on Friday with a smile on my face – I must be out of my mind!

Week 4 – The dreaded school trip. A day out should be a refreshing change from the classroom for the children and the teachers, but unfortunately this day was bad from the start. Firstly I had to have my photograph taken! (Not a great disaster you may think, but just you wait – I may scare you all by posting it on here! Then the bus ride to the site was so noisy a headache was beginning to form and for some reason my mind had been erased of all tunes and other forms of bus entertainment to calm them down. We got lost on the way. Our groups went wild at the first site, and I spent most of it escorting a certain delightful child around, until they were eventually taken back to the school. And finally we were had up by a busy body off duty police officer for apparently having some form of abuse made at her from our bus! All oblivious to me as even though they were at the back I never heard any abuse being uttered. On a positive note it was actually a fantastic day out, our groups were super during the second half of the day (maybe because of the troublesome child been removed?) and I went home with a smile on my face even when I arrived two hours later than normal, and feeling completely shattered.

The issue with the police officer was resolved the next day. Although as far as I was concerned she misconceived what had been said (if anything) and is just one of those people who let power go to their heads! Maybe she hates all children too?

Week 5 – Artists at the ready. A surprising change to the time table occurred this week. Instead of a lesson in Tudor History we were to be designing Christmas cards. The only problem I have is it’s only October! There is nothing worse than being reminding how long it is to Christmas.

While the teacher read the register out and relayed today’s tasks to the children I quickly sketched one Christmas scene and using a tray of shapes constructed another, for the not so artistic children, to inspire them to produce something fantastic for their own cards. I handed my rough works of art to the teacher, who responded fanatically about them and quickly held up the work for the children to see and then went on to say “You are in charge of all art work from now!” I just gulped and smiled a nervous smile back at her.

Here's one I made earlier.

Back to college

After being fairly disappointed that I couldn’t attend college again this year because it would clash with work, I was elated to find out I could actually go back again this year if I wanted to, However it would mean attending evening classes, unfortunately they finish at 9:30pm! Another shocking discovery, as I collected my work from last year, was if I didn’t complete the access course this year I will lose the credits earned from last year. So after some panic thinking and a bit of organising I have been able to be excused from work on Monday’s to allow me to attend Chemistry lessons. And I’m still working on a plan to attend Biology 2 and Sociology classes in January.

I’m now in the process of writing a Personal Statement, which I should add is bloody difficult, especially if you are like me and have trouble bragging about how wonder you are. As well as attending a few University Open Days, which should make me feel like a right old fart amongst all those teenagers...great!

Houses

After a long wait for paperwork (not the buyers fault!) we have finally signed away our house in the Falklands. It was a strange moment for us, as we weren’t sure whether to be saddened by selling our house, knowing when we return to the Falklands it would no longer be there waiting for us. Or elated that we can finally get on with proceedings here and begin renovating and modernising our next home. Either way the moment called for a drink and since we have no beer in the house at the moment (shocking I know!) we clinked cups of hot chocolate and celebrated.
I am planning on keeping a well documented log of our work on this house to keep for future projects and to boost moral when we are sick and tired of renovating. So hopefully I will be able to find some time to upload it onto my blog...don’t hold your breath though!

Family

Rather than go into great detail of what we got up to while my parents were here I will just say we all had a fantastic time (Bar the weather...Aye granddad?). The illegal alien has been home for a while which is a pleasant change and the girls are slotting back into the school routine easily again. Katie is in year 1 and it shows when she hands me A4 pages of writing trying to describe her pictures. Becky is a little bored with another year in Pre-school and constantly asks when she can go to Katie’s school. And the baby, or not so anymore, Sarah is starting Pre-School from December this year!

I wonder sometimes though if Dan feels a bit left out with all of his girls going to school and learning, while he still awaits a miracle to get him into college and finally earn that Officer of the Watch ticket.

And that’s it so far. I can’t promise anything, but I will attempt to keep you more updated from now.

*I actually remember the day my handwriting went from drunken spider in the ink pot to beautifully clear letters. It was our first Geography lesson and the teacher was (how can put this?) very easy on the eyes! His handwriting was also beautiful and that was it for me – I was converted – shallow or what!

Catch-up

2008-08-18T18:24:00.000-04:30

An apology again for very few (not very entertaining) blogs but my life is running away as fast as an Ethiopian Olympic Long Distance runner. The posts from the past are gone I’m afraid. As...clever me...accidently tipped a hot cup of tea, complete with one sugar for added stickiness, over my computer and it is now in the morgue awaiting an organ transplant to my new laptop. I’m hoping to recover most of the data on the hard drive but feel it is all but gone. Anyway now I have this new machine and can take it to bed (I’m not a geek it’s the only quiet time I get!) without leads trailing everywhere I think I may be able to churn out a few more updates more frequently.

I left you at having passed my first lot of Access grades. I have since scored myself a job as a Learning support assistant, after three separate interviews at different schools. I will be working 25 hours a week with the year 6 teacher. The students are aged between 10-11, which is a nice age before they hit puberty and think they rule the world! To say I’m excited about this job would be a serious understatement as I have been bouncing off the walls ever since the phone call from the head teacher and now I’m champing at the bit to get started. Unfortunately I got the job at the end of July, which is the end of term and will be starting in the new term (September 08). The only down side is I won’t be able to attend college this year as my employment clashes with the course times, but the school are keen to train their staff so I will be pushing forward as much as I can. The work based experience is a highly crucial part of the degree anyway so I would rather have that at the moment.

Other interesting events have been the start-up of Workboat services Ltd (check out the website for more details www.workboat.co.fk) Dan nipped down to the Falklands to assist with the initial start-up period for the Concordia bay arriving in the Islands. I personally think it was an excuse to just stroke and snuggle his hunk of steel, but he will never tell J After a few minor problems I believe everything is working well now and the Concordia Bay is settling in well to her new home.

When Dan returned from his brief Falkland trip we had a frantic week of re-organising and cleaning the house before my parents arrived. They are now here on a 6 week holiday and having a great time as far as I’m aware. The kids leaping on them in the morning is probably wearing thin by now though. The best part about them being here (apart from seeing them again of course) is all the cool gadgets they buy and test in the house – It’s going to be bare when they leave that’s for sure!

And finally probably the most exciting piece of news of all is we have sold our house in the Falklands and are in the process of buying a run-down detached cottage (a rarity in the UK...believe me!) here in Gosport. I’ve lost count of the number of times Dan and I have been to the house, tape measures in hand, and studied every element of the place. The very first day we braved a call to the estate agents for our first look inside we were almost wetting ourselves with excitement at the potential of the place. We laughed when we got back home and realised both of us had mentally knocked down walls, replaced doors and furnished it before even making an offer on the place. The ear to ear smiles and rapid heart beating in our chests has been going for three weeks now and I’m convinced we will go to cardiac arrest when we are handed over the keys. We are simple souls and delight in seeing even the tiniest thing like the “Sale Agreed” sign going up across the For Sale sign outside the house. Now to get the small mortgage, finalise the sale of 11 Short Street (which I should add has gone to a really nice family so we are happy there too) and get cracking on some renovation!*

And that’s about it in a nutshell – my whirlwind life in five paragraphs. Doesn’t seem like much now I suppose, but don’t forget we are juggling three little monkeys in amongst this lot! That reminds me I must order the ‘Kids Tool Kits’ for Christmas.

*P.S If anyone fancies coming and helping with renovations then sign up to www.Dan-and-Marie-are-mad.co.uk We will supply food, beer and a sleeping bag in amongst the rubble for free labour.

Results

2008-07-25T07:04:00.001-04:30

An ominous brown envelope arrives in the mail box with Highbury College clearly stamped across the top. “Oh my god my results are here” I say as I gulp. I turn it over in shaky hands and begin to tear open the top, wondering if it is nerves or excitement making my heart pound in my chest. An A4 sheet of paper slides easily from the package to reveal writing across its face. I take a deep breath while my brain takes in the information before me and I begin to analyse the table revealing: English for Education and Teaching, B, Biology, A, Total credits 11. “YES!” I yell making the girls leap a little. I give them a huge squeeze and start leaping around the kitchen as they watch with confused faces. “It’s ok girls mum hasn’t gone mad I’m just extremely happy” I reassure them

Roll on September!!

End of College

2008-07-24T06:53:00.000-04:30

Wednesday 4th June

The English for teaching and education lesson was like any other, beginning with education topics discussions, followed by a comprehension assessment and the last of the oral presentations. At the end of the lesson the tutor thanked us for a great year and even went as far to say we were the best class she had ever had. (Awe shucks I bet you say that to all your classes I thought as I smiled an embarrassed yet proud smile), we proceeded to thank the tutor and that was it!

Everyone took twice as long to pack away their things as we analysed the reality that this really was the last Wednesday we would be coming into college. Most just waved a goodbye as they walked out of the door knowing they had the addresses of the people they wanted to stay in contact with and possibly concealing any sadness that may be welling up inside them, or that they would see each other again in another last lesson later in the week.

I sat for a moment taking it all in too and wasn’t sure whether to be saddened by this event or elated it was over. I have after all just completed my first year of college and was one year closer to becoming a Primary Teacher! I bid farewell to one of my closest friends in this class, making sure she had my details and I had hers and wished her well for University, as she will not be returning next year. I quickly put on my dark glasses and strolled off to catch the bus for my last Wednesday bus antics…sigh!

Friday 6th June

The last lesson of Biology was much like any other too. Again we thanked the tutor and she thanked us and once more mixed emotions filled me. There was more sadness this time as we are a small class of only 5 and had become like a family. We wouldn’t see Oli again as he was heading of to a Welsh University (of course we took this piss out of him having a vast choice of woolly girlfriends, which he took well and even chuckled at the “Baaa-bara” comment – not one of my better jokes I must admit).

We wished Lee well in his adventures too and good luck with his task of masturbating while standing on his head (it’s a long strange story that I won’t go into, as I’m not entirely sure how the conversation got there anyway. Let’s just say the boy has strange ideas about the world anyway. For instance, during our last tea break In the student canteen we noticed a sign saying “free cut and blow dry” We all laughed as the boys said they would definitely go for a free hair cut if it came with a blow…job. As we left the canteen chuckling Lee then continued to say with a huge smile across his face “Wow! Imagine how much money you could make with a free haircut and blow jobs!” Of course we were in hysterics after that and quickly pointing out you can’t make any money if it’s free! He tried to side step his mistake, but it was too late.

At the end of the lesson everyone exchanged facebook details (I guess it does have its uses) and that was it…again! I ambled, with my head low, along my usual path towards the bus stop, reminiscing over a great year at college and before I knew it a huge smile had appeared across my face. “Yeah it really was a great year” I thought “And I can’t wait to come back in September!” At the bus stop the smile was so huge people were leaning away from me and deliberately trying to not make eye contact, as if I were some kind of mental patient who had strayed from the asylum. I found this highly amusing and played on it a little more by talking and chuckling to myself.

As I entered the house, having picked up the girls from the childminders, I flicked the kettle on for a much needed cup of tea and began to wonder about which courses to take next year and then it occurred to me – I have a nail biting 5 weeks to wait for my results! God I hope I’ve passed!

Facebook

2008-07-02T08:21:00.003-04:30

"Have you been poked yet?" I certainly haven't for a while!!

I’ve been registered with facebook for six months now and don’t believe I have ever encountered such a poor waste of time in my life! So why am I spending so much time on the damn thing!?

I suppose facebook is good for catching up with former classmates and friends, and grouping all your acquaintances in one area, but isn’t that what an address book is for? I’m actually beginning to wonder if people have forgotten how to use a pen and paper as emails quickly eradicate letters too. Don’t get me wrong I love technology (except when it breaks!), but I’m also a traditional girl and like nothing more than checking the mailbox to find letters from friends and family. I think there is something a little more personal in a hand written letter and besides…I enjoy the challenge of deciphering bad handwriting.

I now have over 150 acquaintances which’s nice as I didn’t realise just how many people I know or know me (I wonder how many acquaintances it takes before you become infamous?) But with lots of friends in your contacts come lots of invites for strange and pointless games, and gifts of hugs, kisses, pets and flowers!

I’ll admit I own a “Lil green patch” and am supposedly saving acres of rainforest. Although how this works is a mystery to me and I wander off in a fantasy of 300 year old trees in the Brazilian rainforest tapping into the internet inviting their friends in the Malaysian Jungle to join them in brain battle or Mob wars. The later being another pointless game I have been lured into like a moth to a flame. For some reason I find myself checking my character ‘Strawberry Bond’s progress, counting my virtual millions, driving around in my virtual armoured range rover and purchase an array of weapons in preparation of another assault on the jewellery shop.

Recently I have been finding myself aimlessly clicking the mouse 30 times a day as I watch a virtual slot machine spin to hopefully win me virtual money which I can later spend in the virtual shop on virtually pointless crap! But yet each day I continue to enter this game and willingly click the button…is that an addiction or a compulsive disorder? Thankfully it’s not real money I suppose!

Most recently though I have found a game called ‘draw and guess’. It’s basically Pictionary on the internet, but I guess they couldn’t get the rights to use the name. You get a word and have to draw it for everyone to guess to win points. Then everyone else gets a turn to draw and you just have to guess as quickly as possible to gain more points before the time runs out. It’s another addiction I’m afraid, and has become worse still now that I have won two games!

And on that note…I’m wasting valuable ‘time wasting’ time writing this when I could be guessing squiggles, virtual drug dealing and bank robberies or sitting in virtual Las Vegas at the slot machines!!

TTFN

Katiehopper

2008-06-30T07:38:00.002-04:30

In true Blue Peter style “Here’s one I made earlier”….5:30 in the morning earlier!

I’m a bad mother and very nearly forgot to make Katie a costume for “The ugly bug ball” they were having at school one day. There was no excuse, I had seen the invite in Katie’s bag two weeks ago. But it wasn’t until Katie kindly reminded me the night before, that I sighed “oh bollocks!” and then spent the whole night tossing and turning in bed fretting about having not made anything, and how she would feel being the only child at school with no costume. So in the end I had to get up do something about it.

I tip-toed like a baby elephant down the creaky stairs,* gathered up some materials and set to work on a master piece. I actually surprised myself with the result – It’s amazing what you can do with a bit of brown paper, a newspaper, a paper plate**, some green clothes and some green paint!

When Katie woke later in the morning she was delighted and couldn’t get into the costume fast enough. Sarah on the other hand was terrified of the grasshopper shaped Katie in the kitchen...and so…the mask stayed off until we reached school.

As all the children gathered in their costumes at the school entrance I smiled with relief as Katie’s was by far one of the better ones there and I’m not just being biased! After waving her off and dropping Becky to Pre-School I went home and crawled back to bed…yawn!

* I sometimes wonder why I bother trying to creep around this old house when I make just as much noise when walking normally!

**Lucky for us it wasn’t raining that day or there would have been a green paper machete Katie turning up to school instead!

Melt Down

2008-06-30T07:22:00.002-04:30

SORRY!

But I can't respond to any emails today. Something has crashed on my computer and the mouse is missing.

It was a day like any other day; I had dropped the girls off at school, come home, made a cup of tea, and sat down in front of the computer to check the emails and latest news events. Five minutes into a web search and POP! There was an eerie silence where the whirling of the computer’s fan had once been and I was starring mid sip into a black screen.

I slowly set down my tea thinking “That’s odd?” but brushed it off as an odd occurrence and reached down to switch on the computer again.

Later in the day I continued working on my assignment and had just finished checking the spelling and grammar of page 3 of 5 when POP! That awful silence fell over the room again, and it wasn’t until what felt like minutes that I finally shook myself out of astonishment and disbelief and groaned a painful “NOOOOO!” Before hurriedly leaning down and switching on the computer yet again!

“Please no, please don’t do this to me!” I whispered to the thing as if it were living, and may just laugh off this mean joke and start up again giving me my coursework right where I had been interrupted. But alas it was not to be and not even auto recovery could bring back my hours work! In frustrating I stormed out of the lounge and into the kitchen to make another cup of tea and sulk.

Eventually I stopped sulking and started again, only for the computer to go POP! Once more! This time I had saved 2 minutes before it had crashed so the pain of re-writing everything wasn’t so harsh. But this battle went on for some time, until I eventually finished my work 5 hours longer than expected and gently tapped the computer with my foot in a “Hah I did it anyway you piece of S**t!”

I opened Outlook express and composed a new message in preparation of emailing my assignment to my tutor and guess what…POP! That was it...the final straw! My calm nature was turning into an incredible hulk persona and I was only moments away from turning into the green raging giant! The computer obviously sensed my temper and choose not to start at all this time. That way saving itself from a beating next time it crashed on me.

It wasn’t until two weeks later when Dan arrived back home and dissected the computer that he discovered the cause of the sudden crashes…DUST! Of all the stupid things to be it was dust…it could have been a melted wire or something more meaningful but no, dust in the fan was overheating the system and causing it to crash. I should be thankful I suppose that it wasn’t something more serious, but I suppose I was still angry and ready to throw the damn thing on the tip!

So eventually I was back online and saved all my coursework to a USB stick just in case. Surprisingly it’s still alive! Unsurprisingly I have been reluctant to spend any length of time on it in the last month for fear of it picking on me again. And I have only just braved a post today which has gone without a hitch...yay!

So apologies folks, but fingers crossed the computer will stay alive and I will be able to update you on the last two months (in no particular order) as soon as possible.

The Rake

2008-04-18T06:11:00.001-04:30

This was sent to me by email (thanks Michelle) and I just had to share it with you since I am still wiping the tears of laughter away now!

Enjoy!

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

Freak Weather

2008-04-06T05:01:00.009-04:30

Saturday was such a lovely day we decided to have lunch alfresco on the lawn. We soaked up the sun and thought about the lovely summer ahead of us.

Three stages of leaves growing back on the trees

So you can imagine our surprise to wake this morning to this...

We couldn't get our coats, boots, gloves and scarfs on fast enough to get out the door and play in the snow though!

Itchy

2008-04-05T10:59:00.002-04:30

We are having a minor ant problem currently. I call it minor as I have only counted 50 ants as they go whizzing up the vacuum having been sucked from the floor during mid escape. I don’t mind a few ants and normally chuckle at the odd one scampering across the floor to retrieve a crumb the girls have dropped after their afternoon snack. But the cheeky little bugger has passed on information to his buddies that my house is a free for all on scraps so I now have to vacuum and mop the floor after each meal to discourage the little buggers!

Anyway getting back to the title I have began to notice an interesting occurrence. Whenever I see, think or talk about ants I can’t help but scratch my nose (I’m doing it right now in fact!) which lead me to think about other strange coincidences for instance: when people talk about nits you suddenly feel the urge to itch your head even though you don’t have nits (Yes…I’m doing that now too!) and how about earwigs? Do you feel the urge to itch you ears? (I am!)

It’s a strange phenomenon isn’t it? But it’s not just insects that get you itching What if I mentioned worms?

And now I’ve left you itching frantically I will go, but just have one last thing to say...

Don’t forget to wash you hands afterwards!

Spring holiday

2008-04-05T08:03:00.001-04:30

Recharging the batteries – Another option is a wet finger into the plug socket, but that hurts!

The last few weeks have been hectic to say the least: Three days a week at college, with mountains of assignments and exams; three children with various demands, one of which wants to replace her nappies for knickers and the ants (that’s another story) are keeping me on my toes!

I have been particularly busy with college work, since we were required to hand in our Biology essays (of no more than 1000 words*) on “Keeping the circulatory, digestive and breathing systems healthy” (I managed to get 94% for this and admit I’m still in shock in between celebrating over a bottle of wine or two) and another Biology exam on “Control and Co-ordination” (I managed to scrape 71% which wasn’t bad either considering I revised most of the wrong material) The English in education module has also kept me busy with various QTS (qualified teacher status) tests on Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar as well as a critical analysis exercise. And Psychology with the Traffic Light Project – it’s all good fun though!

Thankfully, we are on a two week holiday now so I will be able to relax and recharge the batteries. I have a couple of assignments to hand in after the holidays though, so will be aiming at completing these quickly, before Dan returns home from sea in two weeks and so the girls and I can take advantage of the fantastic weather we are having currently by going on a few excursions. And if all goes particularly well then you may even see a few more posts on the blog – no promises though – It’s hard to sit at the computer when the sun is beaming in through the window calling me outside to get a head start on a tan.

* It was surprisingly difficult to condense the essay as the tutor required an explanation on each system as well as how to keep it healthy.

Easter Bonnet

2008-03-31T08:00:00.003-04:30

At 9:30pm I crept out into the darkness of our yard. I pulled my hood over my head and open the front gate onto the street. Checking the coast was clear of cars or anyone on foot I hastily trotted across the road and hid behind one of the trees. I eyed my target…the neighbour’s flower bed. After another quick scan of the area, to confirm no one was around I took a deep breath and dashed over grabbed a small bunch of flowers, throw them under the cover of my coat and raced back to the yard, closing the gate behind me as I leaned against it.

I caught my breath and opened my coat to reveal my prize…a nice bunch of daffodils.

You see…I have to make an Easter Bonnet for Katie for tomorrow so figured I would sew these pretty yellow flowers onto my summer hat. And it looked great!

Unfortunately I neglected to remember that plants need water to survive and by morning the pretty yellow flowers were just a shrivelled mass on the hat. So even after my undercover mission and staying up until midnight to make the hat, Katie still went to school with nothing.

The next morning when I arrived back from college I learned Katie had borrowed a hat for the parade and Becky also required an Easter bonnet so had to rush one out in the morning with her school! I’m a bad mum and can only apologise to the girls and endeavour to try harder next time!

Blonde – Behind the scenes

2008-03-31T07:23:00.002-04:30

The not so Hollywood story…

As part of our psychology project we are tasked with observing the difference in driving behaviour between males and females. The test being who would skip the traffic lights when they change from amber to red.

Basically we have to stand at a set of traffic lights (preferably unseen to the drivers) for 10 minutes, jotting down who did and didn’t skip the lights when they changed.

So who is less likely to conform to traffic signals - Males or Females?

After asking the question it is normally followed by men saying “Males, because we are daring and everyone knows women don’t know how to drive!” This sparks off the women to say “Of course men will skip the lights they’re just dangerous and all think they are all boy racers!”

All-in-all the consensus says that men will skip the lights more often than women. So if I now tell you there is little to no difference in males and females who skip traffic lights would you be surprised?

I personally didn’t believe that women wouldn’t skip the lights anyway since I have shot through a few amber lights myself. But I did expect a higher percentage of men to women.

The final percentage from the class observations (thirty students) was:

69% of females stopped

63% of males stopped

31% of females didn’t stop

37% of males didn’t stop

So there you have it…our results, showing that women and men have little difference in their driving behaviour at traffic signals - well in this occasion at least.

Drive another day

2008-03-26T12:37:00.002-04:30

The name’s Blonde - Strawberry Blonde! I’ll have a beer not shaken or stirred, just a slice of lime please. And my mission, since I have no choice but to accept it is: observation studies on gender differences to conformity at traffic signals*.

Having donned a suitable disguise of blue jeans, trainers and a sweatshirt I position myself in an inconspicuous position near the target, being sure to have a good line of sight and a clear escape route. Once comfortable I check the time on my very low tech watch and wait.

Five minutes pass and I’m about to abort the mission when a figure passes me and approaches the target. “Go on” I whisper under my breath “Push the button – I dare you!” The figure scans the horizon and begins to raise a finger to the button. Time appears to go into slow motion, as I reach for my pocket and grab my weapon and the lights change from green to amber to red…

Man…no, man…no, woman yes

Time races back into real time as I raise my head from the note pad, and blow the steam of my pen. The figure has now crossed the road I whisper “Thanks” as I smile at them walking away unknowingly down the street.

Before I could replace the pen back into my pocket another figure approaches the lights. “Yes” I whisper again trying not to get too excited and give my mission away. Again they scan the horizon and as I prepare myself for another frantic observation he steps out and trots across the road.

“NO!” I gasp “How could you – bloody sod!” I continue to mutter quietly in disgrace at the stranger across the street.

Another five minutes and nine victims later, I look and my watch, close my notepad, place the pen back in my pocket and breath a satisfied sigh.

Mission Complete, now to get this information back to Mrs Psychology.

*Anyone who is studying Psychology at college will now groan at the sounds of that mission.

Face Lift

2008-03-23T13:03:00.002-04:30

After seeing all the work kiwi-at-sea has been putting into his site I felt I had better make an effort to give mine a face lift to keep up with him.

So here it is - any suggestions on appearance will be welcome.

Easter is coming

2008-03-19T18:15:00.005-04:30

This easter will you be having:

The Easter Rabbit

or....

The Rampant Rabbit?

HAPPY EASTER!

Night Out

2008-03-18T19:34:00.001-04:30

I finally prise my eyelids apart after hearing a noise next to me “Mummy can we get dressed?” “Mummy can I wear a skirt?” “Mum poo!” I turn to see three little faces beaming at me and lazily mutter “Yeah”. They run off excitedly and a few minute later Katie returns “Mummy can I make breakfast?” I turn again and say “Go on then”. Katie leaves and Sarah enters still not dressed (that was too much to ask for) “Mum poo!” “Yeah yeah I say as I drag myself from my warm comfortable bed. My brain suddenly pulses in my head. After a deep sigh my shaky arms push me from the gravitational pull of the mattress. As my weight goes to my feet I wince in pain and promptly sit back on the bed. “What the f***?” I think to myself as I pull up my left foot to check the heel. My feet have a few blisters and then it comes flooding back…

6pm the night before – A knock on the door lets me know Alex (the babysitter) is here. I quickly show her in and begin running through the formalities (as if we were swapping shifts). When I had informed her where to find everything and what time the girls should be in bed I call a taxi and ten minutes later am on my way.

The driver and I make polite conversation opening with: “Why are you going out in this weather – Are you going voluntarily or are you expected out?” I replied with “Ah it’s just a bit of rain”, mentioned it was a friend’s birthday and that I hadn’t seen her in almost three years At that moment, almost at my destination, I remembered I had forgotten the card! Damn!! The driver reassured me my appearance would mean more to her than the card, which I thought was very nice of him to say so.

I pay the driver and bid him a good evening, then turn towards the ferry terminal. The rain is quite heavy so I pull up my coat hood and began walking towards the incoming ferry at a skip. This was half down to excitement and that I wore a new pair of boots with 1 ½ inch heels. Having not worn such footwear in some time it was taking a bit of getting used to. My normal very un-lady like strides were reduced to baby steps with a rapid clink, clink, clink as I realised the ferry was now berthed and awaiting it’s passengers.

For some silly reason I followed my usual routine on the ferries, being…going to the top deck for the view and fresh air. Thankfully the ship on duty tonight was the ‘Spirit of Portsmouth’ so I didn’t have to stand in the rain, which was now rather heavy, and settled myself down in one of the lounges near a window (or porthole – I should know better!) As the ferry disembarked from Gosport and began the reasonably choppy ride across to Portsmouth I suddenly consider how I was going to attempt to descend the stairs in these boots (which I was now regretting wearing tonight).

We touched the dock and I waited for most of the deck to clear before cautiously making my way down the stairs, thankfully without incident. A clumsy walk up the dock and I was soon sitting at the bus stop awaiting the 41. While there a young guy asked me if passive smoking was worse than smoking? I was a little taken aback at first as I wondered what made me look like a smoker, let alone know the answer to his question. So I made up an answer and attempted to articulate it back to him convincingly. He seemed to accept my answer as he turned back to his mate and continued the debate with his new found knowledge. I spotted the number 17 bus pulling into the station and made a retreat before more random questions were asked. I stepped onto the bus hoped to god it was going to commercial road as I asked for the ticket. Yes it was thank goodness! And a few minutes later I was on my way into Portsmouth City centre.

I thanked the bus driver as I stepped off the bus at my stop. Another rapid clumsy trot followed and two seconds later I was standing outside the Trafalgar bar. I entered after another lady as the security guard asked us both for identification. I could have kissed him for thinking I was under 18! But thought that wouldn’t look good on first impressions and showed him my driving licence complete with hideous photograph instead.

The Trafalgar was the like walking into the tardis (bigger on the inside) and I had to stop myself searching for David Tennant and start searching for Tracy instead. It was at this point I remembered again that I haven’t seen Tracy for a few years and realized I would quite likely walk past her without knowing. At that thought I noticed a short blonde girl standing across from the bar with a small group of people. I cautiously began walking toward her hoping that if it wasn’t her I could calmly pretend I was walking past to the free table next to them.

It was her and she recognised me too, so all was good. After quick introductions we made our way to the bar and ordered some drinks.

Many drinks later…

We are wandering the streets looking for a suitable club. What is a suitable club? They are all loud, dark and it’s impossible to get to the bar! None of that really works for me since I was enjoying talking crap, reminiscing over times past and getting drinks on demand without hassle. But you have to try these things before you condemn them.

At some ungodly hour I decide to call it a night and begin the journey home. I approached a taxi and asked the cost to Gun Wharf, then looked in my wallet to see it empty…damn! He points me in the direct of a cash machine but I find myself at the end of the street with no cash machine in sight. I look up and see the lights of spinnaker tower glinting like the stars to navigate by and decide that I will walk the seemingly short distance*.

A few blocks later, I am cursing my boots as I remove them from my sore feet, pull my hood up as the rain gets heavier and continue walking. I have no idea what time is and the navigation lights have now disappeared behind a tall building so I have no idea where I am either? Just then I see the University of Portsmouth and I know at least I am heading in the right direction. A few puddles later to cool my feet, that are now quite raw from walking heavily on the asphalt, and I see Gun Wharf Quay. I half skip and hop hoping I haven’t missed the ferries as I see one berthed. I make my way down the dock, hop onboard and find a seat. A few stares at my torn bare feet make my bundle into my coat more until we reach the Gosport dock. After a quick taxi ride home, apologies to Alex for being late (even though I still had no idea what time it is) I bid her goodnight and crawl up to bed.

A voice snaps me out from the evening’s memories “Mum Poo!” I look down at Sarah, smile a hopefully convincing smile and hobble to her room to fetch a nappy and the wipes…I don’t recommend changing dirty nappies with a mild hangover!!

*My concept of distance and length has never been very good and I also neglected the fact that things may seem closer in the dark and when they are tall buildings!

Parcel Force vs Gale Force

2008-03-17T19:42:00.003-04:30

To say it was windy last week is an understatement. Near hurricane force winds battered the coasts, rain pounded into the earth at great velocity and quantity, and temperatures plummeted. I wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t have to take the girls to school, since we are in a fairly sheltered area (having said that the neighbour’s gates were blown off their hinges).

The Dover to Calais ferries were cancelled, planes were grounded at Heathrow and Postmen were told not to deliver mail.

“Back up” I hear you say “what’s this about no mail delivery?” Yes folks it’s true. Mail delivery across the country was discarded while postal workers abandoned their sacks and cycles and bunkered in the Post Offices. It makes sense though as I had visions of postmen clinging onto envelopes as they were scooped into the sky by the wind, or chasing escapees down the street until they finally manage to stomp a boot onto them pinning them to the ground.

The announcement over the radio was a lose-lose for the posties though, since they were moaned at for not delivering the mail and probably would have been moaned at for delivering soggy mail covered in size nine boot prints?

I am however, very amused by the perfectly formed boot print on the envelope that entered though our letter box after the weather had calmed.

No Excuse!

2008-03-17T14:43:00.002-04:30

Apologies folks (those hardened fans that enjoy my random nonsense*) for not posting blogs on my site for some time. I have been extremely busy with college projects and a program on my computer informs me I have 27 viruses. So I have spent the last few days trying to sort that out and get assignments in by their deadlines.

To be honest there is no real excuse for not being bothered to sit and write blogs. But mine have more merit than some I have heard and will no doubt have to come when working as a teacher?

Things like:

“I’ve left my homework at home sorry” – You should be careful using this one as sometimes the teacher will send you home to get it (the homework you haven’t done).

“The wind blew my coursework right out of my hands when I stepped off the bus”

“The dog ate it” Of course this is an all time classic and has been used by many people. My jaw dropped to the desk however, when one of the mature students in our class used it as an excuse for not having completed his placement journal. The tutor gave him a suspecting look and hysterics filled the classroom as he pulled a tatted mess of papers from his bag.

And the list goes on…

On that note I will skip the excuses and attempt to furnish you with more antics and general happenings of my life - You may want to get a cup of tea?

*Oddly enough I notice looking at the link referral that everyone is finding my site by typing “First sign you are gay” into the search engine and finding my post with the picture of the baby screwing its face up at the perfectly formed breast and erect nipple. Now I’ve said that men will be frantically scanning this site to find said picture!

Cum, and get your cookies

2008-03-02T11:16:00.005-04:30

The ominous cookies in question

I walked happily out of the college canteen having purchased my hot chocolate and cookies for only £1. A quick scan of area soon located my classmates around a table so I walked over to join them. I settled myself into an available seat, removed the top off my hot chocolate and began to open the wrapper on the cookies.

While eating the first of four cookies and sipping my drink, I listened to the others talking about the lesson. It didn’t take long to consume two cookies, and still hungry (since this is breakfast and lunch!) I pulled another out of the wrapper. As the cookie moved towards my mouth I suddenly noticed the manufactures name ‘OtisSPUNKmeyer’ across the packet. My eyes then shifted to the cookie directly in front of me, with its white lumps glaring at me!

A snort of laughter soon had everyone looking at me with intrigue. Trying to not be too childish about it I showed them my discovery and thankfully they all burst into hysterics too. Some commented on how they wouldn’t be able to eat the biscuits after discovering that, but before I could stop myself I said “They don’t taste salty!” More hysterics followed, but I could now feel my face going a nice shade of red after that remark.

Interestingly I wasn’t even looking for humour today – It found me! Maybe I have missed my calling as a circus clown?

Mothers Day

2008-03-02T10:33:00.005-04:30

It’s time to celebrate all the mums of the world and show our appreciation for: bringing us into the world; looking after us and generally being there when we need them, by giving them gifts and pampering them for the day.

Whenever someone mentioned Mothers Day coming up on Sunday and asked what the girls would be doing for me. I joked about how I always had to remind Dan of such events (including birthdays) in order to receive anything. And since he is currently at sea, I can assume it will only be a hug from the girls this year, which is fine too.

On Friday I received early hand made cards from the girls, thanks to the schools being organised. Becky even brought a paper cone with a dozen pieces of fudge in it, which was a pleasant treat. Yesterday our childminder brought a couple of pictures Sarah and Becky had made while in her care. They were a couple of painty handprints with the following poem:-

There used to be so many of my fingerprints to see, on furniture and walls and things from sticky grubby me.

But if you stop and think a while you’ll see I’m growing fast, those little handprints disappear, you can’t bring back what’s past.

So here’s a small reminder to keep, not wipe away, of tiny hands and how they looked, to make you smile someday.

The biggest surprise however was a package delivered to the door today containing: flowers, wine and chocolates from Dan on behalf of the girls. Having now picked myself up from the floor, after fainting in shock, I will apologise to Dan for underestimating him and thank him and the girls for a wonderful surprise.

This has to be the best Mothers day I have had!

And before I forget mum - HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

Smile!

2008-02-26T18:47:00.001-04:30

They say laughter is the best medicine. They also say it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, ergo everyone should smile as it saves energy, so why don’t people smile more?*.

I have begun training my brain to think critically and analytically since the Psychology module. This has found me instigating my surroundings more meaningfully, rather than getting lost in my own little comically fantasized world. What has sprung to my attention is how everyone appears so unhappy!

I know there are a lot of factors to consider, for a start; they could be heading to a job they are not enjoying, but have to continue as they need the wages; or they could be in a family crisis and have a lot on their mind at this time. They could even be feeling a little groggy from the flu or maybe nursing a hangover from a hard weekend on the alcohol. So much to consider; but what surprises me is I have very rarely seen anyone smiling, let alone laughing in public, in six months which can’t just be coincidence? What’s worse are people look at me like I’m an alien when I walk around with a huge grin on my face for, what appears to them as, no apparent reason?

My first observation was in the superstores. What I consider an adventure by challenging myself to find new ingredients and foods, and minimise my total bill at the check-out; others consider as a chore. They appear to have the life sucked from them upon entering the building, moving around as though sentenced to prison and can’t leave until they have done their time being…collecting all the objects they were banished into here for.

Couples would argue on what they were purchasing and what he or she shouldn’t have purchased. While another lady gave a dejected frown as she carefully examined a piece of steak. She then replaced it and began removing and examining a further eight pieces, until eventually replacing them all and taking the first one she had been looking at. Meanwhile a queue of even unhappier people stood waiting for this rather choosey individual. Other people could be heard complaining about the price of food and how it was never easy to find what you wanted; even though every superstore has a huge sign indicating what is down each aisle! And there are countless members of staff wandering the aisles (possibly trying to avoid having to work?) who are likely to have any idea. **

The only smiles that could be found were at the check-out tills and even these were not real smiles. They were forced smiles which were probably inked into their contracts as they reluctantly accepted employment. These people don’t honestly love their jobs, you can tell from the way they man-handle the groceries. Although they have to be reasonably careful, otherwise they will get a customer yelling at them for pushing the eggs down the slide too hard and ‘if any were broken they wanted them replaced!’ This would lead to more delays and more unhappy people waiting in the queue at the till. After replacing the barely chipped eggs did the customer then turn their attention to how the cashier was packing their bags***, bread will be squished and more words of disgust would be uttered.

I don’t envy those poor cashiers when they happen upon these contentious beings. As if their lives are not bad enough, that they have to sit at a till all day, forcing smiles and carefully handling groceries, but they then have to put up with abuse from people who clearly have far less important issues to be moaning about.

My second observations were during my idle strolls down the High Street. I have taken to smiling constantly and greeting everyone with a “Morning” or “Afternoon” as I pass, which I find highly amusing, since it causes all sorts of disarray. Some almost stop in their tracks, as if what they had heard was a whisper from nowhere, and they were checking on what they thought they had heard before continuing. Others would just look at me in disgust, but occasionally you would get a reply, although mumbled from under a scarf or coat, but at least they made an effort.

My third observation is probably my favourite…Public transport! People appear to have invented a small invisible bubble when travelling on public transport. Unless they have boarded the bus with a person, they will not interact between anyone, even when their bubble space has been invaded by a random person looking for a free seat. Most people turn their heads away as if to try and make themselves altogether invisible and therefore not having to communicate with the person sitting inches away from them. Others will grimace as the person sits next to them, making them feel awful about their decision to sit in the only available seat. Some will even go as far as placing their bag on the seat to stop anyone sitting! Observing people on public transport is just scraping the surface though, as they will appear to go out of their way to complain about late buses/trains and the poor service. They could just accept there have been delays and make the driver feel a bit better about this issue, he is highly aware of, by greeting him with a smile.

I will always continue smiling at everything (So the dimples in my cheeks are getting deeper, and crows feet are stomping the edge of my eyes) but I want to conserve energy and smiling is the way to do it apparently, plus it just makes me feel good!

Give it a try if you don’t believe me?

*I should say at this point I am a happy go lucky and very easy going person myself. I find even the most obnoxious people to be not too bad. I might just be polite? But I like to give everyone a fair chance, as sometimes they don’t mean to be the way they are, it has just become a habit.

**Although this could be argued since every time I have asked they looked like scared rabbits and point me in the general direction…thanks guys! I have now learned to take note of their age as you will get a better response from the older members who will almost take you by the hand and stand you directly in front of the item you had asked for.

***Don’t be so damn lazy and pack them yourself, that way you can only blame yourself. Although I remember reading ‘We are now living in a blame culture’ that is why no-one takes responsibility for their actions and are quick to point the finger at anyone but themselves, that and a quick profit when you sue someone – quite worrying really!?

Indesick

2008-02-20T17:25:00.006-04:30

A car speeds through the streets of Gosport and screeches to a halt outside Fig tree cottage. The man grabs his case and rushes to the door, which is already open for his arrival. He is guided to the kitchen and places the case on the table; then turns and kneels down in front of his patient. “What’s the story” he says calmly as he looks up at me. “Well” I say nervously “she has been making terrible noises lately”
“I see” he replies grimly as he turns back to his patient and begins examining her “How old is she?” he asks
“About six”
A few minutes later he sighs and says “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do”
“Oh!” I gasp
“Yes I’m sorry – Is there someone I can call for you?”
“Umm yes of course, here” I say as I hand him a piece of paper with a name and number on it.
“Ok I will be in touch soon”
He gathers his things, bids me farewell and I close the door behind him then move back into the kitchen. I place my hand on top of her head and say “Sorry dear – But you’ve had a pretty good life for a washing machine”

The next day...

“Hey kids wake up – I’ve something really exciting to do today!” I exclaim as I open the bedroom curtains.
“What is it mummy?” A little voice croaks as she wipes the sleep from her eyes.
“Come with me and I’ll show you – But you will need to put your shorts on first…oh and no socks!” I reply.
They are still rubbing their eyes as I lead them into the bathroom.
“Right - You guys can stomp the dirt out of the clothes in the bath while I scrub the stains off with soap!” I say merrily.

Yep…we are reduced to child labour, until our washing machine is either fixed or replaced. I figured since they are generating the majority of the clothes they can clean them – It’s fair isn’t it?

Answers

2008-02-20T09:48:00.001-04:30

So class how did you do?

1. a
2. b
3. d
4. c
5. Inferred
6. Implied
7. b
8. b
9. Effect
10. Affect

Rare Kiwi Sighted!

2008-02-19T12:59:00.002-04:30

Kiwis’ are endemic to New Zealand and from the genus family Apterygidae. There are a variety of species namely: Apteryx rowi, Apteryx owenii, Apteryx haastii, Apteryx australis; but little is known of this new rare species I like to call Apteryx dangerous.

It appears to have departed its homeland and has been sighted at many locations around the world. We are unsure as to how this flightless creature has travelled, but assume it is being transported by ship.

Much like its relatives Apteryx dangerous is small in size, with a very large bill so has a highly developed sense of smell. It can be distinguished by its sporadic dark brown plumage and occasional gingery coloured plumage around the facial area. It converses in a noise, which presumably can only be interpreted by other kiwis of this species, as it sounds like nonsense to the human ear. While communicating it also appears to perform in clown like actions.

Most kiwis are nocturnal, but this rare species has also been sighted during daylight. Normally in flocks of other creatures at various watering holes; which would suggest it is not shy like its relatives. In fact it could be argued it is quite the reverse, making a spectacle of itself in groups at times.

This species is remarkably resilient and adapts easily to its surroundings. It has been sighted not only in hot tropical climates but also the cooler Antarctic climate. It appears to feed on most things and has been seen quite regularly scavenging around fast food restaurants.

The last sighting, only two days ago, was in Panama, but recently Apteryx dangerous has been sighted in the UK, although it is considered a pest by UK customs officials who are regularly trying to prevent this species entering into their country.

If anyone is lucky enough to see this rare kiwi please send details, as I would be very interested, having only seen this particular species three times briefly in the last six months!

Prof M Loveridge
University of Rare Kiwi Sightings

Grammar

2008-02-15T08:51:00.002-04:30

What is Grammar?
“Grammar is my mother’s mother” replies the young child.

It’s humorous isn’t it? Of course we know grammar is actually the rules of English language; and not the old lady sitting on the rocking chair with a cat on her lap, while she knits lilac sweaters (since that colour was all the rage when she was a little girl).

It’s scary to think children these days have such poor literacy, but what about the adults? I suppose we could blame technology and the use of slang and abbreviations while texting messages on mobile phones and chatting on the internet. But even spoken English is almost another language these days. For instance two girls were sitting on the bus the other day (Odd that; me on a bus?) having a conversation, I couldn’t help but hear, since they were not only poor, but also very loud speakers. They were saying things like “You know what I mean in it?” and “We was tellin em they was fuckers”

What's scary is not the blatant swearing and shocking use of language, but these are supposedly educated humans? Which makes me wonder if teachers have given up teaching English language in schools nowadays?

The Daily Mail released an article highlighting this bombshell entitled:

Teacher’s cant punctuate.

Two in three would not notice the errors above – Did you?

Here are some more to test yourself. I’ll reveal the results in a few days to give you time to try them.

1.

a.The Smiths’ house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.
b.The Smiths’s house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.
c.The Smiths house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.
d.The Smith’s house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.

2.
a. Your perfectly within your rights.
b. You’re perfectly within your rights.
c. You’re perfectly within you’re rights.

3.
a. My monies on David’s cricket team.
b. My moneys on Davids cricket team.
c. My monies’ on David’s cricket team.
d. My money’s on David’s cricket team.
e. Mt moneys on Davids cricket team

4.
a. The 70’s was a great decade for music
b. The 70s’ was a great decade for music
c. The 70s was a great decade for music

5. I implied/inferred/ensued from his art collection that he was extremely wealthy.

6. She implied/inferred/ensued to Susan that Dennis wasn’t her first husband.

7.
a They gave the girls and I a typing test at the interview.
b. They gave the girls and me a typing test at the interview.

8.
n. Chris and me were puzzled at the outcome of the research.
o. Chris and I were puzzled at the outcome of the research.

9. He doubted he would be able to affect/effect significant change without the cooperation of the team.

10. Either of the two main options would effect/affect the environment adversely.

That was easy I hear you say…or maybe not? It’s actually quite surprising how we think our grammar is fine, until we are tested.

Good Luck!

More Bus Antics

2008-02-13T15:11:00.002-04:30

Buttercup, Daisy and more cow sounding named buses.

It’s proving quite a hobby of mine now, keeping my nose pinned against the glass of the bus window*, searching out yet more objects of interests and humour. After our English in Education class on Wednesday (this is the second part of the Education and Teaching module, which I’m still awaiting the results for, but my last two assignments have given me a B, so fingers crossed!) my searching has been heightened by prompting of the tutor, to attempt finding spelling and grammatical errors on signs and buildings. I’m not saying my grammar and spelling is fantastic (in fact it’s far from it after an average result on a quick test by the tutor), but if you are searching for errors they become glaringly obvious (So don’t read this too intently). Sometimes you don’t even find signs with errors, just other humorous signs, for example:

“Sophie’s Restaurant – Probably the best choice”

Why you would willingly put the word ‘probably’ on your sign is beyond me? It doesn’t leave a good indication to potential customers now does it? I mean imagine if Barclays Bank put “Probably won’t rip you off” on their sign, or the Gosport ferries had “Probably won’t sink on the crossing”. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.

Some people go for completely simple signs like;

“Mr Cheap – Is the cheapest”

Surely that’s obvious or do people really think Mr cheap is the most expensive?

One last sign that caught my eye on this particular day was “Phoenix Furniture - Hot Sale on now!” My mind blasts into supersonic thought, as I conjure up images of sofas, tables and beds all tagged with a label saying “Highly Flammable”. Maybe my imagination is taking off on its own little psychological fantasy, but I will have to investigate further one day.

I’ve decided this sport of sign spotting and bus antics could be evolved, and am now contemplating a few games during my ferry crossing in the mornings. I will however be parked next to a life jacket after scaring myself with that last comment above!

*This is particularly difficult for me; since my nose almost extends further than a USB stick…yes I’ve measured it! Looking into the mirror nowadays I’m convinced my poor nose has a serious lean to the left. It’s probably when the netball my friend and I were playing with was smashed into my face (accidentally) years ago, but isn’t being assisted by my constant bus window faces.

Bus Antics

2008-01-28T09:37:00.000-04:30

'Clover' the number 5 bus

It’s a normal Wednesday morning, although I’m heading back to college this week and very excited to catch up with class mates to see how their placements went?

I catch the ferry a bit earlier than usual and the number 41 rolls into the station two minutes after stepping into the shelter, so I’m on my way by 8:45, which is a bonus, although I’m wondering why everything is going so smoothly? The bus is surprisingly empty at first and I sit next to the window admiring the scenery and checking I still recognise the buildings, so I will hit the bell before my stop! As we wait at traffic lights I see ahead of us a traffic cone go skimming across the stream of cars. It’s an amusing sight and I can only assume that a car’s wheel has caught the edge of the cone and flicked it in tiddlywinks style across the road, but some little part of me wants to leap out of the bus, run over and grab the cone, lifting it expecting to see ‘Buzz Lightyear’ or some other toy underneath, as this thought occurs the bus begins to move and I consider to myself that maybe I watch too many cartoons?

A little further along our journey we round a corner and I spot an old man, As we get closer I see his grey hair sticking out between the tweed hat and coat, I don’t know why I’m watching him for so long, it must be a dull area of town for buildings and the like, so I stay fixated on him At the very moment we pass, he raises his head and there in full view is a long wet snot hanging from his nose! Hilarious!! Unfortunately while taking in this humorous sight I neglected to stop myself from squeaking aloud a giggle into the very silent bus and it would seem I was the only one that had seen the old man too, as I could suddenly feel the stares boring into the back of my head (since I had thankfully chosen to sit near the front of the bus). I sank into my seat a little, feeling my face turn a nice shade of beetroot and continued looking out the window searching for my exit, which was not for another 10 minutes!

The journey home was not as entertaining so I had to make my own. One was forming shadow puppets - although I had to give that up since the direction of my shadowy dinosaurs were hitting the chests and legs of the passengers opposite, which thankfully they didn’t notice otherwise that could have been an embarrassing situation.!

So I was back to looking out the window for entertainment. Just then we passed a huge sign of a beaver saying “You can’t lick beaver…for the best tool hire” Of course just reading the first part tickled me…hey I was struggling for entertainment remember!?

I ended up sitting idle for the last part of the journey listening to someone’s MP3 player blaring away a few seats behind me wondering what next weeks bus antics will bring.

Under my umbrella…ella…ella

2008-01-13T17:16:00.000-04:30

Yes it was a great song, but it’s not all as glamorous as Rihanna!

I’m a bit of a grouch when it comes to this awful invention. If you don’t own an umbrella you are doomed when it rains.

Not only are you going to get soaked, but you have to dodge being poked in the eye by the thoughtless shits who posses them. And not just that…as if having an umbrella, that is three times their width isn’t enough to stop the rain from hitting their heads, they have to walk under the overhangs of buildings to stop their umbrellas getting wet too!

They walk blind holding the umbrella so low they can not see on coming human traffic (as they probably expect to bump umbrellas before poking your eye out!) and seem to charge headlong into anyone in the straight line they have forged into their brains!!

I wonder sometimes if when you buy an umbrella, you are offered lessons in how to be an arse! Maybe I’ll go and find out one day?

You are going to lose an eye for sure in this lot

Don’t Blink!

2008-01-13T16:38:00.000-04:30

It’s Monday and I’m pacing the floor, drinking countless cups of tea which in turn is causing countless visits to the toilet. I occasionally sit at the computer and try to complete my placement journal which is due in on Wednesday! But it is impossible to concentrate, as I have other concerns on my mind at the moment.

By 10am I’ve put gloves on to stop me biting my nails, and pinned down the curtain net to discourage from pressing my nose up against the window for the fifth time in an hour. I have even moved the mobile phone into the kitchen so that I will stop holding it in my hand willing it to ring - I’m a nervous excited wreck!

So what’s the problem? Well I received an email last night from a stranger I haven’t seen in two months…you guessed it - Dan. He’s off the ship and winging his way back to the UK, this is fine, but when he gets to the UK will he be allowed through customs? His last entry was stamped with “Last time buddy!” and a mean frown from the customs officer, so he scrapped through by the skin of his teeth and I fear he will not be so lucky this time, and may end up in jail before flying out to New Zealand on Friday.

By 10:30 I’ve given up doing anything but sitting with Sarah on the sofa, starring at the television, without actually taking in what’s on, as my brain has switched off visual and is churning around in my thoughts now. Sarah is enjoying the cuddle though and has no idea I’m using her as a counterweight to stop me leaping up every time a car pulls up near our house, which is a few today as builders are erecting a house next door and moving around every few minutes!

Just then a silver car pulls up right outside the window and I can’t help but stretch my neck, although I don’t recognise the driver so slump back into the chair. Two minutes later a figure passes the lounge window and a knock on the door – Could it be? I remove Sarah from my lap, get up and head to the door at a skip. I open the door in haste and sure enough it’s Dan and he’s not being escorted by a police officer…bonus!

But it doesn’t last long and the 3 days we have fly past. Before we know, it’s Friday and Dan is on his way again – The house is quiet and the only evidence I have that he was even here is all his dirty washing!!!

Are you living in the Stone Ages?

2008-01-13T10:18:00.000-04:30

It would appear I’m living in a box as I am the only person to not know what ‘Facebook’ is? Nearly every one I spoke to over the festive season asked if I had it and promptly sent me the web link.

So of course curiosity got the better of me and I soon found myself registering in and scanning this new feature. Within minutes of entering I was contacted by some old school mates, who soon got me looking for even older mates and lo and behold there they were – totally incredible like a school reunion of sorts.

Although with old school mates comes old school photos and I soon discovered a highly embarrassing photograph of my class when I was 9 or 10. Thankfully I have married since so hopefully anyone after my school days will not relate me to this bizarre looking child of 1990! It did make for a good laugh though and I must admit to tears rolling down my cheeks and a pain in my side from laughing so hard.

What a funny looking bunch

It’s not just old school mates though; a lot of newer mates, from former work places and even random circumstances have been found and added to the growing list of friends. Sooner or later you begin finding or being invited to take tests on very random subjects – I have so far been labelled the ‘drunk drunk’ in “What kind of drunk are you?” and ‘Bumblebee man’ in “Which obscure Simpsons character are you?”

It’s all quite amusing for a Facebook virgin like myself, but be careful it can also absorb all of your free time, as you find the hours ticking away then realise you haven’t done anything constructive!

So here I am taking a break from facebook writing my blog – Really constructive? Go me!

Happy New Year!

2008-01-13T10:12:00.000-04:30

Better late than never!

New Years Resolutions

2007-12-31T19:58:00.000-04:30

Here we go again!

I normally don’t bother writing a list of resolutions as they are broken within minutes of starting the New Year, but I wrote them anyway, just for the fun of breaking rules and feeling like a young rebel again (It’s the young part that you can never get back).

Beginning with the obvious most common resolutions:-

1. Drink less – NEVER!

2. Quit Smoking – Never started?

3. Exercise more - I live in a two story house, so running up and down stairs countless times a day should cover that one. Plus we don’t own a car so have to walk everywhere!

4. Eat healthier – Order extra peppers and pineapple on my Pizza Hut pizzas from now.

5. Win the lottery – I have looked this up, and the odds of actually selecting the exact numbers to win the lottery are 1 in 13983816.00 so I will now let my 5 year old daughter choose the numbers - if the odds are that low it’s not going to make any difference who selects them is it?

6. Travel the World – When I win the lottery, so I’ll have to settle for Chinese and Indian Take-Away, French bread, German Beer and Aussie & Kiwi Wine and visual aids by Google Earth.

7. Write a book – “A BOOK” there…that was easy J

8. Get over 80% in my courses at College - There’s no cheating my way out of this one, so I’m going to have to get my head into the books and study hard! This leads me on nicely to.

9. Reading more – Moving to the UK has already started a healthy addiction to newspapers. But also studying to be a teacher has quadrupled my reading, as I currently have 9 books on the go!*

10. Keep in contact with friends and family more often – I know I promised this one last year and ended up contacting family in New Zealand maybe twice in the whole year, which is very poor on my behalf. But I will try and make a better effort this year.

*Now you know why I like to play mindless games like slingshot Santa and Elf Toss once in a while.

Spinnaker Tower

2007-12-25T18:00:00.000-04:30

A festive Spinnaker Tower in Portsmouth December 2007

As you can see I’m not the professional photographer I would like to think I am, but it’s the best I could get with shuddering arms and frost bitten hands!

Spinnaker Tower currently holds top spot on my list of magnificent man made structures, I’ve seen in person. I am not very well travelled, so to some this probably seems quite narrow minded. But hope to travel the world some time soon, although don’t think it will ever drop off my top ten list anyway.

There’s something about this structure that comforts me – I don’t know how to explain it, but whenever I catch a glimpse of her (Of course it has to be a woman – it’s a psychological thing) over the tops of little British brick houses, it fills me with happiness. I’ve even caught myself smiling, after seeing her, when rounding a corner of a building heading to college one day. So here’s to the people behind the design, architecture and construction of a beautiful piece of work…Cheers!

Father Christmas

2007-12-23T10:41:00.000-04:30

Who ate my damn pies!!

Everyone knows Father Christmas doesn’t exist! It’s all just a ploy to get children to behave for a month so that parents can have a bit of peace. But they pay for this misconception, as they then have to listen to the children’s demands for presents from this fictional character, which leads to painful blows to the bank account or worse still their moaning and whinging when they don’t get what they asked Santa for, even though they were good!

Either way we can’t win, but continue this canard every year until a child is old enough to join in the deception on younger siblings and later children of their own.

We go through the same fraudulent actions every year, write a letter to Santa and place it on the mantelpiece, then leave a mince pie and alcoholic beverage on the kitchen table. After sending the children to bed and telling them “They have to go to sleep straight away or Santa won’t come!” do we go downstairs and waste some time watching television. Once sure they are asleep we replace their letters with a forged letter from the myth himself ‘Father Christmas’, fill the stockings with the presents hidden in the cupboard, while drinking the rum and eating the mince pie left out, making sure to leave a few crumbs on the plate for effect.

Have you ever wondered though…What if we are making a mistake? What if Father Christmas IS real? It might explain why parents never get any presents from him? Not only is it bloody freezing outside, it’s late and he’s tired, so coming to a house where the parents have devoured his treats is going to piss him off just a little. We are probably lucky he is such a jolly old sole and doesn’t bother coming up to your room, waking you up and telling you what thoughtless shits you are! So spare a thought for Jolly old Saint Nicholas

I am of course going to eat the mince pie and drink the conveniently replaced Strongbow, but I’ll be sure to leave a note on the table telling Santa where he can find some more if he shows up.

Christmas Tree

2007-12-21T17:02:00.000-04:30

I prefer a simple Christmas tree – One that won’t cause fits with its many flashing lights!

The best part about Christmas is not the presents, the cakes and sweets (you don’t feel guilty about eating as you’ve been dieting all year), the mulled wine and other alcoholic beverages, the holiday and not having to go to work for 2 weeks – It’s when you decorate your Christmas tree - If you have a beautiful Christmas tree…Christmas will be especially beautiful…

…Yeah of course I’m bullshitting; Christmas is all about the rum filled cake, boxes of chocolates, presents, holiday and easy flowing alcohol!! It wouldn’t be Christmas otherwise (although apart from the holiday that combination could be mistaken for my birthday?)

I do like a nice tree though and am especially proud of myself for having managed to get the one we have, with decorations for only £30! Decorating was a minor nightmare as the baubles didn’t have strings and I had to tie them all on, while the girls put them on the tree and pestered me to put the strings on faster! While fumbling with cotton and cursing myself for not reading the small print when purchasing them I remembered an email I received from a friend entitled “Extreme Christmas Tree Decorating”

Basically you have one bare Christmas tree and a canon loaded with tinsel, baubles and a star…I think you get the idea from there. (I couldn’t get the link to show on here so you could have a go, so here’s something festive I found some time ago entitled “Slingshot Santa” http://www.fetchfido.co.uk/games/slingshot_santa/slingshot_santa.htm - I’ve had 200m let me know if you do better!)*

There are of course other less destructive tree decorating methods. I personally like this one and will be giving it serious consideration for next year, although may need some help to drink and collect up that many bottles!

*You probably think I do nothing but play games and Rubik’s cubes by now, but I assure you I am still studying and looking after the kids, I just like mindless entertainment to stop my brain from overloading every now and again!

School Placement

2007-12-15T08:12:00.000-04:30

I have decided to put the last two weeks of my school placement into one poetic blog, although don’t expect beautiful, inspirational poetry from me – I can only do the stuff that rhymes, and even that is questionable at times

I am so awash with excitement I am finding it hard to put the whole experience into words, but here goes…

Week 1

The alarm goes off, I leap from bed.
“Come on girls, hurry up” I said
Its school today, I’ve got to go
But still the girls eat their coco pops slow!
Soon we’re off, and out the door,
Becky can’t keep up anymore,
On the pram, she’s pleased to rest,
My muscles though, curse the test,

Once dropped off, I skip and hop,
All the way to the bus stop,
Just in time phew! Wipe my brow,
Just can’t wait to get there now,
Enter the door, nerves set in,
But pass it off with a big grin,
Down to class, to find the teacher,
A friendly welcome, I’m pleased to met her,

Just enough time to talk,
Before kids arrive, in they walk,
Most are stunned to see me here,
I hope they do not sense my fear,
A year six class, of ten year olds,
I hug the radiator, though I’m not cold,
Quiet is ordered, to introduce me,
I feel on show, for all to see,

They take it well, and class begins,
I shake off stares, with nervous grins,
Reading first, I’m quite amazed,
At how well they deliver each page,
Assembly next, line at the door,
Walk together, down corridors,
Classes stay back and teachers leave,
A bit more time for me to breathe,

Not long though, and back they parade,
After the school rock ‘n’ roll band played,
They’re quite excitable after that,
But go quiet when they hear “Math”,
Fractions into percentages,
Oh god I think, can I remember this?
Thankfully though it comes flooding in,
And help children that are struggling,

Soon its lunch, hasn’t time flown,
Then I realize I haven’t brought my own,
So off I pop to the shops,
For a sandwich, and some chocs,
A cup of tea I get real soon,
As I enter into the staff room,
Again more stares, and nervous grins,
To be invisible now I’d give anything,

Back to class, at a trot,
What was next, I have forgot,
Wood and glue spread across the desks,
Reminds me quickly of bridge building tests,
Some grand designs and audacious drawings,
Soon cause despair when it comes to sawing,
Traffic lights are quickly found,
But the structure’s not off the ground!

Time is up, clean and put away,
Some bridges finished, others in disarray,
Some children have gluey hair,
Others sticky tape on chairs,
They grab their coats and wave goodbye,
The chaos over and I’ve survived,
So after thanks for a great time,
I go home happy and have a wine.

Week 2

The alarm goes off, I leap from bed.
“Come on girls, hurry up” I said
Another day at school today,
But still they moan and yawn away,
We’re off again and out the gate,
And not surprising Becky flakes,
On the pram, she gets again,
My muscles ache from last week’s pain!

The bus is late today, a shame,
My frantic running was in vain,
But off to school I go at last,
I can’t wait now to see the class,
No nerves this time, I’m keen and bold,
Its Christmas activities, I’ve been told,
The school split into fourteen groups,
And set off around the school like troops,

Santa puppets, carol singing,
That is just the beginning
Toy trains, sleighs, drama class,
Plastic windows, stained glass,
Christmas cards and poetry,
More hand puppets look like trees,
Decorations glitter and curl,
Food at Christmas around the world,

So much to do, the day goes fast,
Before I know it’s the end of class,
Thanks again I manage to squeak,
Roll on Wednesday next week!

How to solve a Rubik’s Cube

2007-12-10T05:11:00.000-04:30

I couldn’t stop myself from buying one of these when I spotted it in the shops for only £2.99!

Like a child at Christmas I tore it from it's wrapping and began twisting and turning. It has been 3 months now and I still haven't solved the damn thing (I almost wish I hadn’t touched it now!), so have turned to the internet for some help, which brought up this…

Instructions

Pieces: There are three types of pieces on the cube: Centre pieces are located in the centre of each face. Corner pieces have three colours and are located at the corners of the cube. Edge pieces have two colours and are located between the corner pieces.
Faces: There are six faces on the cube. They are defined by the colour of their centres. For example, the face with the red centre is called the 'red face.' The faces also have names based on how you hold the cube: * F (Front) looks at you.* B (Back) looks away from you.* U (Upper) looks at the ceiling.* D (Down) looks at the floor.* R (Right) looks to your right.* L (Left) looks to your left.
Rotating the faces: Note in the following examples that an apostrophe (') means turn the face counter-clockwise. If there is no apostrophe, turn it clockwise. A 2 after the face name (e.g. D2) means to turn the face 180 degrees. It is important to turn the face clockwise or counter-clockwise as if you were looking directly at it. * F = Front face clockwise, 90 degrees* B' = Back face counter-clockwise, 90 degrees * D2 = Down face, 180 degrees
Piece/Square Positions: Sometimes the instructions will refer to a specific piece or square on the cube. The notation is the same, so whether we are talking about a piece or a square needs to be taken from context. Some examples of piece positions:* UFR = the corner piece between the Upper, Front, and Right faces * BD = the edge piece that lies between the Back and Down facesSome examples of square positions:* LFD = the square on the Left Face that is near the Front and Down faces* DB = the square on the Down Face that is near the Back faceEnough talk. Let's get started. Steps
Form a plus sign: Turn the cube so the white centre is on the U face, it will stay this way until Step 5. The goal is to put the white edge pieces around the white centre, so it forms a 'plus sign' on the white face. There are so many ways for the cube to be scrambled that it's nearly impossible to write detailed instructions. Here are some hints instead: Find a white edge first, and then find a way to get it to the top. Don't just rotate faces randomly and hope for it to happen. White edges in the middle layer can be brought to the top in one 90-degree rotation. Just make sure it doesn't take the place of a white edge already in place. White edges on the D face can be brought to the top in one 180-degree rotation. Rotate the D face until the edge piece is directly under an empty edge slot in the U face. Keep white on the U face. This is the most common mistake on this and subsequent steps. Don't give up on step 1! Extend the plus sign to the middle layer centres: Rotate the U face until two of the white edge pieces (two arms of the cross) line up with the colours of the centres in the middle layer. Two should be correct, two should be incorrect. If they are all correct, move on to Step 3. Turn the whole cube so one of the incorrect edges is on the front face, and then apply F2. One white edge should now be on the D face (look at it). Note the other colour of that white edge; this colour is X (it could be red, green, orange, or blue). Now rotate the D face until the X part of the edge piece is directly beneath the X centre; then rotate the X face 180 degrees. Now the white/X edge should have returned to the U face and another edge piece should be on the D face (look at it). The edge piece should have white on the bottom, then the colour connected to it is called colour Y. Now rotate the D face until the Y edge piece is directly beneath the Y centre, and then rotate the Y face 180 degrees. You should now have a white plus sign on the top, and all the edge pieces are above centres of the same colour. Don't forget to keep white on the U face. Complete the top layer: Find a corner piece on the bottom layer that has white in it. Note the three colours of the corner piece. They should be white, then two other colours, colours X and Y. Now rotate the D face until the white/X/Y corner piece is between the X and Y centre pieces (note that we move it between the X and Y centres because the colours of the piece are X and Y). Turn the cube so the white/X/Y corner piece is in the DFR position. From here there are three possibilities for the corner piece: The white square is in the FRD position, apply F D F'. The white square is in the RFD position, apply R' D' R. The white square is in the DFR position, apply F D2 F' D' F D F'. Repeat 4x. If a white corner happens to be in the U face, turn the cube so the corner is in the UFR position, then apply F D F'. Now it is in the D face so you can put it in using the combinations above. After you have put in all four corners, the first layer of the cube should be complete and the colours should match up with the middle layer centres. Complete the middle layer: Find an edge piece in the D face that does NOT have yellow in it. Look at the square on this edge piece that is on the D face; this is colour X. Note the other colour of the edge piece and label it colour Y. Turn the cube so the X face is the F face. Rotate the D face until the edge piece is in the DB position. From here there are two possibilities: If colour Y matches the centre of the R face, apply F D F' D' R' D' R. If colour Y matches the centre of the L face, apply F' D' F D L D L'. If an edge is in the right place but flip-flopped, turn the cube so the edge piece is in the FR position while still keeping the white face on top; apply F D F' D' R' D' R (this is the same as the first possibility above). Now you can put it in using the above combinations. Repeat this step until the top two layers look completely restored. Make a plus sign on the yellow face: First, turn the cube over so yellow is on the U face; it will stay this way until the cube is solved. Note the number of yellow edges on the U face. From here there are four possibilities: Two opposite edges. Rotate the U face until the two edges are in the UL and UR positions, making a horizontal line. Apply B L U L' U' B'. Two adjacent edges. Rotate the U face until the two edges are in the UR and UF positions, making an arrow that points to the back-left. Apply B U L U' L' B'. No edges. Apply one of the above combinations to kick two edges to the top, and then use the other combination to put the other two edges in place. Four edges. You're done. Go to the next step. At the end of this step, you should have a yellow plus sign, just like the white one made in the first step. Complete the yellow face: For this step, blue is going to be your front face. A finished corner is one with yellow already on the U face; unfinished is one without yellow on the U face. Rotate the U face until an unfinished corner comes to the UFR position. There are two possibilities for the corner: It needs to be rotated clockwise (yellow is on the F face), apply F D F' D' F D F' D'. It needs to be rotated counter-clockwise (yellow is on the right side), apply D F D' F' D F D' F'. After you've corrected one corner, the cube is going to look screwed up, but this is okay. It'll fix itself. Keeping blue as your front face, rotate the U face to bring another unfinished corner to the UFR position, then repeat as many times as necessary. After this step is over, the entire yellow face will be finished. Position the remaining edge pieces: Rotate the U face until exactly one edge piece matches the colour of the centre it touches. (If this is not possible, apply R2 D' R' L F2 L' R U2 D R2 and try again. Note that this is the same combination as below.) Turn the cube so this matching edge is on the left face. Now make sure the front edge matches the right centre. If it doesn't, then apply U2 and turn the whole cube counter-clockwise 90 degrees. Double check that the left edge matches the left centre and the front edge matches the right centre. Apply R2 D' R' L F2 L' R U2 D R2. At this point, the cube should be finished except for the corners. Complete the cube: Usually there is already one corner in the correct spot If there are no correct corners, apply the below combination randomly then you should have one correct corner. Turn the cube so this correct corner is in the UFR position. Apply L2 B2 L' F' L B2 L' F L' . This combination may need to be applied twice. You're done. Throw a party.

OR…Get a knife, pick off coloured squares and glue them back on in order!

Christmas Carol Service

2007-12-08T16:08:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we attended the Alverstoke Infant School Christmas Carol Service at St Mary’s church. After finding a small pew on the north side of the church we sat down and waited for the service to begin. By the third song I realised we hadn’t chosen the best seat in the house, as we only just managed to see Kate singing, after standing on tiptoes, and pushing right up against the wall to catch glimpses of her behind a column in the middle of the church! I raised an arm every time she looked our way and eventually she spotted us. So all was well…you don’t know the ear bashing I would have got from her if she thought we hadn’t come!

Most of the songs were preformed by the children, but there were a few everyone was asked to join in to sing. Not being the most confident singer I tend to mime or sing very quietly at this stage. And it’s a good job too as mine ended up like this;

Oh Come All Ye Faithful - A revised version for parents at a Christmas Carol Service

Oh come all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphhhhh….(Evil glare at child messing around while singing through teeth)..ant!

Oh come ye, oh come ye, just…sit…down! (In a stern whisper)…ethlethem

Come and be hold…it right there (Still trying to whisper) him
Born the King of Angels

Oh come let us adore him
Oh come back here and sit down
Oh come back here NOW!...him
Christ the Lord

At this stage you drop the leaflet, grab child now wandering off in the aisle, and sit them back down on pew, while muttering and pointing finger at them.
Hastily grabbing the leaflet that has now fallen to the floor you try and catch up with the choir that has already begun the second verse.

…of Angels (making sure not to catch eye contact with children on this word)
Sing in exultat…stop it!
Sing all ye…don’t you dare get down…of Heaven above
Glory to God
In the high…EST (Another evil glare at child and gruff voice)
Oh come let us adore him
Oh come back here by Jesus (now thinking oops should have rephrased that)
Oh…will you just down and be quiet for a minute
Christ the Lord.

Mind of a Goldfish

2007-12-06T19:38:00.000-04:00

Whenever I venture into the depths of Gosport, I find myself looking around for houses to let, and inadvertently houses for sale.

We are renting a two bedroom house and, as you can imagine, with three children it’s getting a bit tight. So we need to find a three bedroom (at least) house, to let at preferably the same rate, is near the schools we have now got the children settled into and not too far from the ferry and access to Cosham …a lot of factors to consider, which is why its proving a difficult task*

I, like many people am a daydreamer at times…well a lot of the time in my case! One of my regular daydreams involves house restoration, new builds, barn conversions, interior decoration; landscaping the list goes on. I sit at home pretending to be an architect with my £9.99 copy of 3D Virtual Home Designer, while dreaming about owning the finest home, full of the top gadgets and furnishings**, but alas it is just that…a dream. So I spend a little more time on my virtual tour around my virtual home, asking my virtual children sitting at the virtual table to finish their virtual supper, so I can put the virtual dishes in the virtual dishwasher.

I’ll stop digressing and move on…On my walks I pass one particular house for sale. It’s not a perfect house by far, but my mind still begins running through the check list of pros and cons:

Pro - Location is great for school,
Con - Busy Street outside the front door,
Pro - Many convenience stores nearby,
Con – It’s in heart of Gosport, which is a nightmare to drive into during peaks times of the day.

Walking past houses takes 30 seconds, so I’m already half way up the street by the time I resurface from this daydream debate. At this point I realise I have done this before, and not just once. I’m like a goldfish, forgetting that I have had this very same argument with myself repeatedly! Of course I laugh it off and promise myself I won’t do it again. A little while later I’m walking back down that street and guess what…

* Ironically as I write this I am listening to music and the Bee Gees “Tragedy” has begun playing…the words “Tragedy” and “You’re going no where” being constantly repeated and seemingly emphasised!

**I’m also an avid Grand Designs viewer, which feeds my hunger for a fantastic house! Kevin McLeod you have a lot to answer for!!

Caught up

2007-12-04T12:47:00.000-04:00

So that’s about us all caught up on my college experience so far. Just the school placement experience to go - Coming soon!

Week 10

2007-12-04T12:41:00.001-04:00

These weren't mine because they are too big!

This is my last lesson at college this year, as we are all attending our school placements for the last four weeks before the end of term, which I should add I’m am very excited about!

Today we studied classroom observation skills, since that is what we will be doing from now. What should be looking out for and how we will relate this to our earlier knowledge of Piaget and other theorists.

Towards the end of the lesson the Tutor stressed that the Journal would be our own, so we have the freedom to create whatever we wished, although pointed out she will know who have and haven’t put the effort into it!

This takes me back to my GCSE project in Agriculture…I started well, planning to compare the difference between red and green cabbage and parsnips and carrots. The idea was to see how different growing techniques would affect their development. Unfortunately the enthusiasm faded, when the garden was full of tree roots and rocks and the fact that not even grass would grow smashed any hopes of growing vegetables here! I think I ended up with 1-3cm long carrots and parsnips and absolutely no cabbages! Sufficed to say my data collection and statistics were slim, leaving me with a mere five paged journal of pictures and a few descriptions of the vegetables (which were stolen from a gardening book!) It was a poor effort and the teacher commented as much at the time.

So with that in mind – I’ll have to pull my socks up this time!

Week 9

2007-12-04T06:42:00.000-04:00

Ok class pay attention!

The lesson itself is a blue this week, and I only have a small pile of handouts littering my desk to show that we were actually taught something.

I put this amnesia down to the fact I had to do my presentation today…

Presentation

My presentation is a language game – I have drawn a shape onto cards, (basically a square, a circle, an Isosceles triangle and various others). I want one person to describe the shape on the card to their partner without saying its true name. Their partner has to draw the shape from the description, recognise it and spell the its name correctly Easy you may thing, but this game is designed for 9 year old children, whose language hasn’t developed to the stage of adults and is supposed to enhance the way they use language – Well that’s what I read anyway.

Having waiting four weeks to test it I was fully prepared for the ordeal (in fact I had been waiting so long I had almost forgot what I’d prepared!). For once I wasn’t nervous as I gathered my paperwork and walked to the front of the class. Although my legs were telling a different story, since they suddenly felt like a pneumatic drill trying to break through the floor boards into the room below. Disguising this from the class by stepping from one foot to the other worked for a while, but it moved to my hands and my writing became a squiggly mess on the white board, thankfully no one noticed as it was still reasonably legible.

I managed to compose the shuddering that was now beginning to take over my body, took one deep breath and turned to the class.

“Hello I’m Mrs Loveridge and today we’ll be playing a linguistic game”

“This game was first tested on children of West Indian origin by Wight in 1979 and is suppose to encourage and enhance the use of language skills”

“Firstly I would like everyone to pair up and then I will explain how the game works and the rules”

“I have here in my hand some cards, on the back of these cards are shapes. I want one person from each pair to take one of these cards, look at it without showing their partner, and then describe the shape on the card to them without actually saying it’s name or using visual aids, such as drawing invisible shapes in the air – Then I want that person to write the name of the shape they have just drawn onto their page”

“Are there any questions” “No…right away you go”

Nerves had all but gone by this stage. The shuddering was under control, except for my big toe that was still having a little dance in my shoes.

I walked around the class to shake the last of the nerves off, while checking that no one was cheating and of course to see how they were coping with the task, as expected surprisingly well, but they are mature students after all, so made my way back to the front of the class.

“OK…Is everyone done?” “How did we do?” “Good…Right, You get a point if you drew the shape that is shown on your partner’s card and they get a point for having described it well enough for you to draw correctly. You also get a point for recognising the shape and writing its name and 1 last point for spelling the name correctly”

“Right I’ll take those cards back and give them a shuffle”

“Now we’ll swap so everyone has the chance to get four points, so if the other person from each pair would like to collect a card…when you are ready you can start”

Again I walked around the room – that big toe wasn’t going to give up easily! The class knew what they were doing now so were flying along…maybe I should have asked them to pretend they were 9 year olds - That would have made it interesting? One or two did question the fact that a 9 year old wouldn’t know what an isosceles triangle was. Although I don’t know for sure, I think they will be surprised to know they do actually! As they were finishing up I headed to the front of the class again.

“OK…all done? “Right how did we do…Tally up your scores”

“So who got 4 points?” “Well done and 3 points?” “Good…did anyone get lower than 2 points…excellent – You are all smarter than a 9 year old” LOL

“I’ve got some handouts of the shapes you have just drawn and a few others for some information on the shapes”

“Well thank you for playing and I hope you enjoyed it”

Everyone applauded as we did for the others a few weeks ago, while I quickly returned to my seat. The tutor asked the class for feedback on the presentation…it was surprisingly good! Phew thank goodness it’s over.

You’re probably thinking if she’s such a nervous person giving presentations why on earth does she want to be a teacher? Well for a start it’s different when you are giving a presentation to adults, they are worse than children for criticism, as you can sense the sarcastic tone in their voices. Children are by no means little angels, but they haven’t had as long to work on their sarcasm.* The other problem is not having the knowledge of what I’m teaching – I’m sure if I knew what I was talking about I would be a lot more comfortable in front of a class.

*I recall a piece on Russell Brands, Ponderland television show about how mature children thought they were. One girl was having an argument with her mum about not getting a job and how she needs to be sensible about her choices in life. The girls replied, I am sensible, I’m not like dead yet.

Week 8

2007-12-01T17:22:00.000-04:00

A strange morning for me as I’m not my usual energetic self…it is Wednesday after all? My body feels like a piece of metal and the bed is now a huge magnet pulling me down. My eyelids are dragging two lumps of invisible lead, while trying to expose my, sore and hazy, eyeballs to the sunlit filled room. I can barely muster the energy to even reach across ½ a meter and stop the alarm that has been whining away for the last three minutes…what’s wrong with me?!

Eventually the hamster began winding that wheel in my brain and it all came flooding back…I’m not going to school today, even if I wanted to! After a heavy emotional sigh I dragged myself from the pull of the bed and went to check the little spew fountain this morning (If you have been reading in previous posts you will recall the fountain of yuck – my daughter caught a spewing bug and was projectile vomiting all over the house last night!), she was as pale as ever, so it’s confirmed, absolutely no school today, another heavy sigh and I shuffled my feet back to the room to get dressed.

The problem with having sick children or being sick yourself is not just the fact you have a house that smells like spew, you can’t do anything, and you can’t go to school, but you also can’t lay-in in the morning. As much as I would have loved to crawl back into my magnetic bunk, I had to get up and make the numerous phone calls to inform folk we would not be going anywhere today.

While the girls sat tucked up on the sofa watching television my thoughts were with my class, as I still haven’t done my presentation and they will all be finishing there’s today. We didn’t get to present them last week as we had too many debates about boys underachieving and winding up the 4 boys in our class, so ended running out of time.

Maybe I’ll get the teddies out for another practice before next week?

Week 7

2007-11-30T19:51:00.000-04:00

Damn...forgot my book bag!

Oddly enough I’m chomping at the bit* to get back to class this week. Missing a week is like torture for me (god I’m sad – but hey at least i'm keen!). I’m not even worried that I have to give my presentation. I’m fully prepared since I have been practising on the girls teddies over the holidays, one got detention, and the rest a pat on the back for doing well. (I suppose at this point you think I have gone completely mad, but bare with me I’ll come sane again soon).

So after kicking off from the stalls and racing to school I sat down to a lesson on Gender differences in education and the underachievement of boys. Lets face it boys, girls are beating your arses at school these days! So stop styling your hair, rearranging your jewellery and get past the metrasexual urges, start studying to get those grades up again! (Obviously this is my own personal thoughts as to why boys are underachieving and there are of course many other factors contributions towards it)

After revelling in fellow female success, we moved onto a questionnaire about our own experiences at primary and secondary school. We were asked if boys and girls were separated in any classes throughout our schooling…as far as I can remember this was a huge no for me, but found the rest of the girls around my table had experienced some form of separation during Maths and in particular physical education. For some reason they had rather sexist teachers, who would absolutely not let girls play football and basketball and boys could not play netball and hockey. I recall the boys in our school never volunteering to play netball, as they were all trying to be macho, which looking back now is laughable as they were all weeds! But they were never stopped if they wanted to

Another interesting question that cropped up was what types of games we used to play at Primary school and did boys and girls mix? A lot of girls wrote kiss chase, so I suppose the boys did play although probably not voluntarily. My childhood games were of course British bull dog! - You must remember that one? – I don’t know any kids that hasn’t played that game at school…excluding possibly children now days since teachers believe it’s too rough, but what’s a bloody nose and a few bruises to the entertainment of the whole school. It was of course a game of pure brawn and weeds didn’t fair off so well, which is probably why we were so keen to make it to the top class!**

And finally the lesson ended with the hidden curriculum, which was quite a shock to some of us as we were still trying to work out what was on the unhidden curriculum? I’ve narrowed it down to Science, English, Maths, Geography, History, Art, Music, DT, IT, PE and some sort of foreign language, which I believe up here is French and/or German so my limited Spanish is all but useless,.

*So is it chomping or champing at the bit? I remember having a debate with someone about this and don’t recall a conclusion, if there was one? We may have both given in to each others stubbornness by saying we were both correct?

**A surprising thought that just occurred was my glasses never broke while playing this game; maybe my parents had some merit in making me wear unbreakable plastic blocks?

Week 6

2007-11-30T18:55:00.000-04:00

As mentioned is a half term, so everyone is on a weeks holiday…sigh! :-(

Week 5

2007-11-26T16:36:00.000-04:00

Even though I reached the bus station 15 minutes before my bus was due, I still ended up waiting 30 minutes before departing for Cosham, and consequently ended up being 10 minutes late for college. To make matters worse, when I reached the hidden crèche classroom it was empty, although further investigation revealed a note on the white board saying “We have moved to H block room 52”…great!

I have been to H Block before (sounds like a prison doesn’t it?), as this is where I had my first encounter with the “Spagnets”. It’s only just across the path, but room 52 is situated at the top of this 4 story building, that appears to have been built before humans got lazy and lifts were invented, as it only harbours a half meter squared dumbwaiter and I’m confident it’s not worth trying to squeeze in there!

Stumbling through the door and gasping for breath I was now 20 minutes late for class. Fortunately…so was the tutor, as she strolled in two minutes later. While she got organised she asked the class to state “What motivates us in the mornings?” since this would lead nicely into the lesson on Motivation in Education (sounds catchy, but don’t be fooled by it rhythmic lyrics – it’s a tangled mess of drive, humanist, behaviourist, cognitive and attribution theories – Doesn’t sound so attractive now does it!) Most people were quite serious and philosophical with their “I want to make a difference to the community” and “I want to prove to myself I can do it” speeches. Others said they just want to be teachers. It was soon my turn and I squeaked “I just love to learn!” since I was still gasping for breath and it’s actually the truth - I can honestly say I’m buzzing with excitement two days after lessons. (I hope it’s not just a novelty and will wear off with time).

We were shown 5 different theories of motivation and stressed to read up and compare at least two of them, since we will need the evidence and knowledge for our 3 hour written exam on “Motivation theories” in January…yikes! (This worries me a bit as we are not allowed computers, which I reply on for spelling and grammar checks plus can easily cut and paste sentences to make them flow better – Odd that I don’t use these functions to clean up my blogs then?)

After a few handouts on more motivation theories it was time for us to give our presentations. (Sorry I forgot to mention this - Last week we were tasked with creating a 5-10 minute presentation to perform in front of the class) I’m shaking with excitement or is that fear? Either way it didn’t matter as we ran out of time and a few of us were told to wait until next week to give ours. This of course would turn out to be two weeks later as the next week was half term and everyone in Education was on holiday…nothing like prolonging the torment!

Week 4

2007-11-25T18:41:00.000-04:00

and..our Physics teacher stinks!

Beginning to get more confident about going to class this week, and feeling bad about missing last week, I promised myself I would contribute to discussions today. Although that went straight out the window when the aims were written on the board…Identify perspectives on learning, the behaviourist approach to learning and the humanist approach to learning.

It would appear everyone had been told last week to read up about this before coming in. So I did what I’m good at…sitting, writing notes and nodding my head in agreement or disagreement with the class. I did however get a chance to speak for a moment, as we were asked to state our worst subject in secondary school, why we disliked it and what factors contributed towards the experience.

Mine was Physics and was mainly due to the teacher! He didn’t give any assistance when struggling; although we never wanted him to since he had atrocious personal hygiene!

Before I continue any further, I should state this was not during the time Tim Cotter was teaching us Physics, as he was actually a good teacher and even though I had that blank expression on my face Tim, I was taking some of it in, or at least I hoped the head nodding would show I was still awake (or nodding off?). Although I could indirectly blame you for my bad experience of Physics, since it was your fault for resigning before I completed my GCSE’s and the school replaced you with the worst teacher in the world!

Anyway where was I…oh yes the appalling hygiene – Fellow classmates tried giving him hints by leaving a bottle of “head and shoulders, anti dandruff” shampoo on his desk. I still have no idea what he did with the bottles (and frankly don’t want to know!), but knew he never used the shampoo for washing! And he most certainly had no idea what deodorant was! Hell…the toilets in the boys cloakroom (don’t ask how I know that!) smelled better!

He couldn’t control the class and more often than not we would be doing our homework from other classes during his lessons. The lessons were dull as they were taught in a monotone didactic style, so if you’re not aiming at a career in engineering then your attention is hard to hold in physics anyway without making it drearier!

It was basically an awful two years of Physics lessons and I’m sure I only scraped a D because I remembered everything from the previous 3 years with Mr Cotter, that and forced myself to open a GCSE Physics book – Trust me this is surprisingly hard for a 15 year old adolescent, who had little to no interest in wanting to become either a Physics teacher or Engineer!.

Week 3

2007-11-24T14:12:00.000-04:00

If you haven’t fallen asleep yet you will probably be pleased to know I missed week 3, so have nothing to write about…and it was on Vygotsky and Bruner two more scholars darn it!

My Piaget Essay's

2007-11-24T13:31:00.000-04:00

Piaget’s Theory of Child Development

Jean Piaget a Swiss scholar (1896-1980) became most famous for his theory that children pass through four stages of cognitive development.

The sensori-motor stage is the basis for zero to two year olds. Here babies begin to build up schemas as they adapt to their surroundings, although at a very early age their behaviour consists simply of reflex responses. They are believed to be extremely ego-centric and are unable to perceive object permanence until eight months of age. Symbolic functions and language begin developing towards the end of this stage.

The pre-operational stage is the basis for two to seven year olds, which Piaget divides again into two periods; the pre-conceptual period, for two to four year olds, and the intuitive period, for four to seven year olds. He suggests children are unable to envisage multiple dimensions and have difficulty focusing on more than one characteristic of objects. Children’s symbolic thinking and language skills are developing rapidly but they are still unable to think logically and prefer visual references to problem solve. Piaget believed this was due to their ego-centrism, which in turn was assumed a possible key factor in children’s animism. Towards the end of this stage they do however begin to think operationally and logically as they are continually assimilating and accommodating existing schemas and adapting new schemas to enable them to achieve a state of equilibrium.

The concrete operational stage is the basis for seven to eleven year olds where their ego-centrism disbands. Operational thinking is consolidated and conservation fully attained. The formal operational stage is basis for eleven year olds to adults. At this level individuals are able to use logical thinking and reasoning and can think abstractly.

Number of Words 287

Expected Classroom Observations about Piaget’s work

I have been able to secure a placement with Leesland Junior School, where I will be assisting the year three teacher with her class of seven to eight years olds. At this age children are in the earliest period of the concrete operational stage according to Piaget’s cognitive development theory.

I believe the children will have lost or are beginning to lose their ego-centrism and therefore be able to decentre and appreciate the views of their class mates, while in open discussions. Language will be well developed and children will be concentrating on fine-tuning this, by learning to speak, spell and write words outside their vocabulary. Since Piaget believed dis-equilibrium would be experienced as unpleasant the children may find this activity reasonably challenging.

Children should be well practised in mental reversal by now according to Piaget and therefore should easily consolidate and fully attain conservation. They will also be able to conserve numbers, but may still have trouble with mass at this stage. They will probably begin problem solving without visual references to encourage them to enhance operational thinking, but when given a visual problem will be able to solve it easily.

Number of words 198

These scored me a nice 77% equating to a grade B - I'll have to try harder next time!

Week 2

2007-11-24T12:55:00.000-04:00

I learned from my actions last week and managed to behave like a complete adult all day this week – It was surprisingly easy to be mature…sip tea, take notes and nod head approvingly or disapprovingly with rest of class and most importantly…don’t speak!

After some intense reading, which turned into discussions and debates (Not speaking would prove hard during this, but I thankfully sat next to a very vocal lady, so no-one noticed me not contributing to the conversation) on the Jean Piaget theory, we were tasked with a game the tutor called “Splat”. She wrote all the terms we had learned today, randomly on the board, and then asked for two volunteers to come to the front of the class – Of course no-one offered, so she picked two people anyway (Don’t you love teachers when they do that!) The rest of the class would then ask questions, relating to a word on the board and the first person to splat (slap their hand) on the board over the correct word won, so they could sit down and the next victim could go up…this is what we get for not volunteering to go first!

The game was actually quite good fun and I wasn’t that nervous when my turn came about. Most people had had a go already and I was now familiar with each term, which if you’re interested is:-

Sensor-motor Stage – The first stage (age 0-2) of Piaget’s theory of cognitive development

Pre-operational Stage – The second stage (age 2-7) of Piaget’s theory

Concrete Operational Stage – The third stage (Age 7-11) of Piaget’s theory

Formal Operational Stage – Last stage (11+ year olds) of Piaget’s theory

Cognitive – Of knowledge

Schemas – Mental files of information

Animism – Where objects are believed to be alive
Ego-Centric – Can not distinguish between self and others
Object permanence – Younger children disregard an objects existence when it disappears from sight.
Accommodation – Existing schemas are changed to accommodate information
Adaption – When a new schemas is created
Reflex – React without thinking
Equilibrium – Perception of the world fits existing schemas
Conservation – Understanding objects remain the same even if transformed
Dis-Equilibrium – Discontent about change and new experiences
Assimilation – New information is tagged onto existing schemas

I suppose unless you are studying Piaget or sitting the Education and teaching module this will mean nothing to you? So sorry about that.

At the end of the lesson we were set our first assignment – A 300 word essay on Piaget’s theory...joy!

Week 1

2007-11-24T10:58:00.000-04:00

I’m only attending college every Wednesday at the moment, as I am on a two year access course in teaching (It can be done in one year, but I have family commitments and finances are limited). From 9:30-12:45 is the education and teaching module. We normally take a break around 11am to go to the toilet and grab another cup of tea – Its great being a grown-up at school, as we are allowed cups of tea in class! Half an hour for lunch goes rather fast before heading to the Study Skills lesson from 13:15-14:45. And that’s it…not very pressing at the moment, but from January I will be going to Psychology on Thursdays and Biology on Fridays, so will be attending college three days a week, which should keep me on my toes for a while.

My first week of this 2 year course was such a rush of blood to the brain, my cells almost stopped functioning, which might explain why I sat in the classroom lifeless, with a blank expression on my face for the first half hour?

It took 10 minutes to actually find the classroom (If that’s what you could call it?) behind the sports hall. It was more like a crèche, with toys, board games and video’s cluttering this tiny space - the only thing that was missing was kids! Although after breaking the ice with comments like:

Where our name tags were on the meter high coat hooks?
How nice the mural was on the wall,
And “Oh wow Peter Pan – I haven’t sent that in ages!” while scanning the video collection
I guess you could say that position was filled, although disguised in the body of a 26 year old!

I found a spare seat amongst the 15 other people crammed in, and thankfully they didn’t lean away from this peculiar person that had just invaded their class. (I am of course a newbie here, since I missed the first week of the course because of my late application). A few minutes later the tutor arrived a bid us “Good morning”. Every bone in my body wanted to burst out “Goooood mooooorning Miiiiss! In that very childish voice, but thankfully I managed to pull myself together and just utter a “Morning” instead…phew! That was close; I’m going to have to shake this childlike behaviour off quick!

It didn’t take long either, with the first task being an essay on “Why we want to be teachers?” This was quite a shock to me, since I haven’t put a pen to paper in some time and…Why do I want to be a teacher? I still haven’t quite worked it out myself, it just feels like the right thing to be doing right now, but that’s not going to fill an A4 page!

Now noticing everyone had already started writing while I was lost in my thoughts I hastily started to write…anything. And here it is…

Why be a teacher?

My first introduction to teaching was a 2 two week work experience course, while still at school myself. There I assisted the teachers in the Reception and Pre-school classes. Reception was the most enjoyable for me as the children had passed the playing and having fun stage and were beginning to actually learn skills like writing and counting.

I would like to become a Primary school teacher in the higher age range (about 7-11), although have not completely decided on my chosen subject yet.

Science is an area where I would be comfortable, preferably in Chemistry and/or Biology as when I was a student these were my favourite subject choices. This area would also prove satisfying as it has much responsibility, but the excitement of practical experiments.

Other core subjects choices would be Geography. Although I have limited knowledge in this area it was always a subject the held my attention in class and would again be an entertaining experience to teach.
Wrong word eg you are not going to learn geography to be entertained are you?

Just being a teacher would be an achievement and would have great job satisfaction. To be able to teach people to learn new skills and achieve great things in life is would be very rewarding.

Very clear, well structured, however please note my comments Marie. Good start!

(Tutors comments and marks in red)

I know…what a load of tripe eh? But in my defence I panicked!

The funny part, reading back, is my favourite subjects were actually Art and Music! Science followed closely afterwards though, but admittedly the "excitement of practical experiments" is just playing with the Bunsen burners and dissecting organs!

The geography lesson probably held my attention more for the fact the teacher (Mr Clark) was hot!

And don’t ask me what I was thinking writing that last paragraph…what an arse licker! Ah well at least the tutor was kind to me.

So after that shocker we continued the lesson with an introduction on Mr Jean Piaget (a Swiss scholar). And that’s where I’ll stop, as we continue with Piaget next week!

Want to be a Teacher?

2007-11-24T07:42:00.001-04:00

After attending my last lesson at Highbury college this year (since I will be going to my school placement for the last 4 weeks, but will explain that later), I realised I haven’t shared anything with you about my experiences (except the spagnets!). So I propose to do so in a series of blogs coming soon…

Double Decker

2007-11-21T16:35:00.000-04:00

Why do they put the number on the back of the bus too…

So they can rub in the fact that you've just missed it!

Glasses

2007-11-19T13:05:00.000-04:00

This isn’t me - I'm not silly enough to actually post a picture of my most embarrassing glasses days!

A word I have never liked unless used in the context “Would you like glasses with your beers?”

I have never had great eyesight, although I’m not completely blind I am just short sighted, but went through my childhood wearing a thick pair of goggles…highly embarrassing, particularly in secondary school! - Enhanced by my parents picking my glasses for me, a stunning pair of blue plastic rimmed milk bottles! – Apparently I would have broken the metal rimmed ones – I’m still thinking it’s a form of torture!

During the final years of school I neglected to wear them as much as possible and still managed ok. Although the teachers were wondering why I was sitting at the front of the class as opposed to my preferred…way in the back, where they can’t single you out for questioning (which I should add doesn’t always work unless you have a tall person in front of you). It actually proved better in the front as the teacher seemed to look right over you and single out the middle and back rows*

When I left school and began working, I stopped wearing my glasses all together as I was employed as an Agricultural Assistant**, which mainly consisted of farm labour type work and glasses were sure to be lost or broken, especially while wrestling sheep, digging post holes and being zapped by an electric fence…Ah…fond memories – Still reluctant to touch wire fences today!

After two years there I decided this casual labour lark was for mugs, especially in winter! So went and found myself an office job (which oddly enough was horrible during summer – can’t win can you?!) Another draw back of gong to work in an office was I had to give in and go to the opticians, as starring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day is not good for the eyes, especially when you are squinting to see the screen in the first instance.

So £108.00 later I had myself a new pair of stylish metal glasses (Parents were not allowed anywhere near the selection process this time!) and I begun to wear them more frequently. Until one of my girls broke the leg off them and I had to tape it back on like Jack Duckworth in Corrie Street. Not an attractive feature and they rarely appeared out of the glasses case from that moment.

I haven’t worn my glasses for almost a year now and discovered them while clearing out the house down south. For some reason I brought them with me (possibly thinking of getting them fixed here?), but before I could get that far they were attacked by the miniature monsters and are now minus a piece of glass, one leg has gone all together and the other is still taped up. I had a go at fixing them, but couldn’t see the tiny screw to fix the leg back on...Ironic or what - I need glasses to fix my glasses!

After quite a lot of cursing, swearing and hunting around the carpeted floor for 10 minutes looking for the tiny screw I had just dropped, I gave up. So I’m back to squinting at the computer screen and holding books up to my nose to read – Oh well I guess I’ll go to an optician here one day?

“So there’s an idea kids – If you are particularly shy and dread reading out loud or answering questions chances are you will be missed in the front row – I’m sorry if this doesn’t work remember it was some 10 years ago!

** I did actually achieve the required grades to go onto college, but decided to stay back, get a job and go training later.

Wind Farms

2007-11-17T18:58:00.000-04:00

Recently the Falkland Islands have been taking huge leaps in development, with the introduction of three massive wind turbines, on their wind swept grasslands, near the local Abattoir.*

While chatting with my parents the other night they happened to comment on how bad the weather has been lately. It’s supposed to be summer there now, but they have experienced everything from wind, rain and even snow! Just like here then, but we are approaching winter! Mum even went as far to say that she has never encountered this much wind at this time of year before. It was at that moment it struck me! Is it just a coincidence that it has been especially windy since the wind turbines were installed?

It would be interesting to get some statistics from the Met Office to see if my theory is correct? If so the Islands should start using this extra wind to their advantage. They could bottle the fresh air up, label it “SWEET FA” and sell it off to the smog filled cities around the world. (I’d like to stamp a copyright on this idea before anyone starts making any real money from it too!)

I recall a few stories when these massive structures were first being suggested to the islanders, and the various comments in the weekly paper that followed.

How would the sheep feel about eating in a field with a massive propeller whizzing and buzzing above there heads – How would they sleep at night with the noise? They will be scared and therefore traumatised before going into the abattoir, which will lead to meat being tougher – Somehow I think the fact sheep dying in front of them is the only trauma they are going to encounter before getting zapped themselves, not the piece of metal taking up good grazing!

Would Police be spending more time piecing together bits of geese that had mysteriously begun splattering the fields around the abattoir to determine the cause of death?

MOD Tornados now have another object to miss, unless they are trying to get points for hitting aerials? (About a year ago there was an encounter when, while buzzing the town one of the tornados clipped a television aerial on a small hill. Locals were fuming when they missed Eastenders that night!)

And men may become balder? If they already have weak hair follicles they will struggle to remain embedded in the scalp, which (if caught in time) could be another little money earner…making wigs – otherwise a hat shop might be a good addition to town?

And hey if none of these ideas take off I suppose they could set-up sheep psychology sessions?

* These are not the first wind turbines in the Islands - they have been introducing smaller wind turbines to farms for a few years now.

Socks

2007-11-16T09:20:00.000-04:00

It’s not quite winter but it certainly feels like it at the moment with temperatures getting as low as 1 degree outside already!

This said I decided to go to bed with my socks on last night, for a little extra warmth, as even though you get plenty of space in a double bed, without the human water-bottle that normally sleeps next to me it’s bloody freezing!

After wrapping the duvet around me as if being squeezed by a boa constrictor, and burying my nose into the pillow (no comments thanks!), I was set for a good warm sleep.

As always the girls were up and running around the bedroom pestering me for breakfast by 7:30am. The alarm is normally set for this time anyway, but I like to lay for a minute, to wake up, before leaping into the cold air and scrambling around for clothes. (I sometimes wonder if I even need an alarm when the girls are like clockwork).

I forced my eyelids apart and turned to two smiling faces eagerly awaiting me. Then I felt a kick in my back…Katie had somehow sneaked into my bed and was quite happily snoring away behind me. After miming “one…two…three” to myself while rocking back and forth I hauled myself out of bed – “Wholly crap its cold!” I croaked in my best morning voice.

Quickly finding my trousers and a warm jumper I then realized I wasn’t wearing any socks - I thought I left them on last night? They must have slipped off, and will be lying at the bottom of the bed, so I lifted the duvet (much to Kate’s disapproval), but nothing. Maybe I didn’t put them on? So I looked around the floor and under the bed, still nothing? Oh well - I needed a fresh pair anyway, so bent down to the draw, still mystified about the missing socks, when I caught sight of something stuffed under my pillows. I lifted the top pillow up and sure enough both socks were lying there, sprawled out as if they were supposed to be there!

I have no recollection of even touching my socks yesterday, which is why I could have believed they slipped off my feet during the night, and were sitting at the bottom of bed, but under my pillow? What’s that all about, and how on earth??

Autumn Leaves

2007-11-16T09:16:00.000-04:00

As autumn ends and winter begins to set in, I have only just realised this is my first autumn with leaves!

It’s not because the Falklands don’t have any trees…hell they must have at least 50 dotted over the 4,700 square miles of grassland! Ok…so that’s not very many in the grand scheme of things, but at least they are not like that place that only has 5 or so trees and the locals have gone as far as naming each one! (When I remember where it is I’ll let you know)…No the trees in the Falklands are mostly conifers, so don’t change colour or loose any leaves in the colder seasons.

So now I’m taking it all in being in the UK, enjoying the beautiful colours of parks and the trees lining our street. Even our little Fig tree is nearly naked now!

It’s almost hypnotic watching the leaves fall from the branches, gently spiralling and dancing there way down to the ground where they come to rest. It’s almost romantically poetic until you continue their journey. Being brushed, raked and blown into a pile on the road and not very graciously sucked up into a miniature street cleaning vehicle!

So, on that note I’m off for a walk to kick a few piles of leaves around before the next council truck comes along…hehehe.

Fountain of Yuck

2007-11-14T19:33:00.000-04:00

A quiet evening, (more so now with Dan not home - not saying he’s noisy or anything), the girls are in bed and I’m skyping a cute sailor aboard the James Cook. As he heads off to get some sleep before going on watch I hear some movement upstairs…great! Who’s out of bed this time?

It was Katie and she was complaining about feeling ill, after some comfort she decided she would be ok, so I escorted her back to bed and returned downstairs to shut down everything. A few minutes later I hear movement upstairs again and then that awful sound…splat! A watery splat! By the time I get to the stairs Katie is there looking down, projectile vomiting. (If it wasn’t so disgusting I would have congratulated her for getting the distance she did).

Judging the pauses between vomiting I darted upstairs and quickly guided her to the toilet. After cleaning her up I asked if she wanted to stay in my room tonight – As she is a sensitive soul and would probably prefer to have mum around when she’s being sick, plus I could get her to the toilet quickly! This was however a big mistake and after cleaning the stairs and finishing downstairs, Kate was back out of bed and giving the carpet another good covering!

As I cleaned her up for the second time she asked to go back to her bed, so I tucked her up and placed a bowl next to the bed. As I came back to clean the stairs I noticed why Katie was so keen to get back in her bed…she hadn’t just covered the carpet on the stairs with her peas, carrots and what looks like tuna, she had covered my bed too! Where does it all come from? Her stomach must be like a tardis…larger on in inside!

She finally went to sleep and I slept in a half made bed (Since I only changed the sheets two days ago and hadn’t washed and dried them yet!) that smells of sick…lovely!

Guess I’m going to miss school tomorrow too…sigh!

Can you see us waving?

2007-11-14T17:44:00.000-04:00

This isn't the James Cook, but I'm sure Dan will have an idea of what ship it is - He's geekishly amazing like that.

A pleasant surprise occurred last week, when the RRS James Cook berthed at Southampton and Dan could commute every evening to see us. It was a little hard on him though, since he was getting home between 5:30-6:30pm in the evenings after suffering the massive congestion that occurs from 4:30 (especially on the Gosport roads since there are only two main roads that enter this tip of the country!) That and he had to get up at 6am to drive back, although luckily misses the main surge of vehicles at this time of day.

But with everything good there is always something bad and before I knew it, it’s time for goodbyes again! This was hard enough two weeks ago, but seems to be ten times worse this time!

The girls were a little confused again about Dad’s disappearance and I thought as they also missed his last goodbyes (since they sleep like bricks until 7:30am) I would surprise them with a visit to the beach so they could wave goodbye as the ship passes, coming out of Southampton waters.

This was unfortunately a disaster!

We picked Katie up at 3pm, made sure she was wrapped up like a woolly mammoth (like the rest of us) and started our mini migration south/west. It took 45 minutes to reach the point (as we stopped at the waterhole and last grazing field) only to discover a tall wire fence and sign saying “KEEP OUT - MOD PROPERTY”. Then the girls decided they needed the toilet – luckily there is a small café at the edge of the road, so we walked back to it to see another sign “Only customers may use the toilets” (I wonder if that counts for baby mammoths?) Thinking fast I escorted the girls in and promptly bought three cookies and a cup of tea. We sat down and, as if on cue, the girls asked for the toilet. When we returned to our table I noticed the kitchen staff tidying up and turning the lights out - I must admit I didn’t check what time this place closed, but the lady strutting around, cleaning the clean tables was making me feel uncomfortable and blatantly obvious they wanted us gone ASAP! So I sculled my tea, burnt my mouth and bundled the herd up again.

We walked back to the fence, bailed out of the pram and walked down the beach a bit. Various texts from Dan had confirmed they were on their way so there was nothing to do now but wait. It was 4:45 and the sky was getting darker, so I began to wonder if we would see anything at all. A few minutes later though, there she was - I grabbed the binoculars in one hand and my phone in the other as Dan had called us by this stage. Apparently he was wearing bright yellow on the foredeck, but the ship was hugging the west coast and we didn’t see him at all - let alone waving.

So we bid him farewell on the phone, I showed the girls the tiny white light on the horizon, told them that was Daddy on his ship, turned and headed home, cold and hungry.

Birthday Cakes

2007-11-11T06:57:00.000-04:00

One thing I really enjoy about upcoming birthdays is making the cake, but recently I think that sparkle has gone (the picture evidence is conclusive enough!)

I put it down to not having the correct equipment (my own fault as I haven’t gone out and bought an icing gun and accessories), but I think it’s also down to the Superstores selling tasty, smart looking novelty cakes for under £10!

The girls are now at the age where they are beginning to challenge me (much like we challenged our mum years ago) to make all sorts of wild and wonderful cakes. This year Rebecca asked for a “My Little Pony” cake (her choice not mine!) and with a little improvising I managed to produce this…

I know it’s not great, but with a bit more time I could have turned it into something fantastic, since the inspiration was there, with the squirty cream hair and clever use of manufactured icing flowers - Rebecca was happy with it so that all that counts really. (Dan commented on what the pony’s name was…thinking fast I refused to comment as I would be forever mocked for knowing it…Its “Posey” if you really are interested).

Now it’s November and Katie’s birthday has sprung up on me. Two days before her birthday she asked me for a plane cake. That evening I set about making a sponge, cut it into shape, then with a bit (well a lot of) jam I glued it together and covered it with a tiny piece of rolled icing. By 11pm I was getting tired and losing my patience with the tail flap that wouldn’t stay on, so gave up and went to bed leaving it like this…

In the morning Katie commented “Wow an aeroplane!” which thrilled me as she could at least recognise it, but then lead to me to wonder that maybe when she said plane she actually meant plain? Sigh…oh well I will persist and complete this disaster.

By the next afternoon my patience was at an all time low and…yes you guessed it I went out and bought one, although I couldn’t find an aeroplane so went for her next favourite thing Bratz (personally I hate these creepy looking dolls – I may have mocked Barbie’s Movies, but at least she looks human…in her anorexic, blonde bimbo kind of way)

She was of course thrilled by the Bratz cake and the aeroplane…well that turned into a plane crash.

No Cat...Odd that?

2007-11-08T13:40:00.000-04:00

I’ve been walking around a bit this week and noticed a sudden decline in the feline population?

There are always, at least, two cats on the cycle path we use to get into town. Even straying off the beaten path to search out cats in other areas revealed nothing? When reaching the High Street however the first thing that caught my attention was the massive sale on at “Shoefayre”! I didn’t go inside to confirm my suspicions though as the girls were with me and may have got upset by seeing our friendly neighbour hood cat paired up and on sale for £6! Or worse they may have wanted to buy them!!

After a bit of investigation on the internet when returning home - It would appear cats are not the only targets on this huge unwanted pet problem...

Hell’s Kitchen Bedroom Nightmare

2007-11-04T18:34:00.000-04:00

Last night I had the most peculiar dream – I can’t remember the whole thing but it went something like this…

I was on a pier with a bunch people I haven’t seen in years, we were researching something or possibly assisting with a movie, it’s a little vague. The main recollection that stuck out was sitting on the ground leaning up against a wall, with a beer in hand, talking to Gordon Ramsey. It was picture and word perfect, as in all the f’s and blinding but in a humorous way. We were criticising the place around us and having a right good laugh, when he asked if I wanted to go back to his hotel. I accepted and next thing the dream jumped to a small hotel room with a massive bed. Gordon mentions he was really tired from kneading so much cookie dough. Then I notice the port-hole window in the door and got up to try and cover it up when a woman knocks at the door and sees me in my glory…and that’s where it ends I’m afraid, since the girls were poking and prodding me for breakfast and I woke up.

I can only put it down to the fact that I’ve made three batches of cookies recently and I must have spotted Gordon on the television before going to bed – That’s my logical reasoning, but I’m sure there will be some more deep and meaningful explanation to it, so would be interested to know if anyone is a dream expert.

Barbie Brainwash Day

2007-11-04T17:20:00.000-04:00

It would appear Sky is struggling to find programs to show on television this Saturday, since they have one channel dedicated to all the Barbie movies made so far. Honestly its one Barbie movie after the next and since the girls have lost the remote control and I can’t be bothered getting up to change channel manually, I guess we are stuck with it! (And that isn’t an excuse so I can watch it I am more into My Little Pon…anyway moving on)

While typing this blog I could feel my brain clouding over in a beautiful pink mist, then clearing into a field of flowers and fluffy creatures. It’s hideously pretty and enough to put you off any meal. Everything is happily every after and magic is more common then non homosexual princes. My advice to you is stay well away and if you really want to watch a fairytale go and see Shrek!

Some of the movies that were on...

Pinned to the ocean floor by my tail tale.

The Jewellery box thief movie!

Attack of the Pink Wasp movie.

Me, My gay boyfriend and a horse for a sister movie

Halloworks

2007-11-04T12:52:00.000-04:00

It’s a bit late, but Halloween and Fireworks night seem to be a weekly event up here anyway. I have lost count of the number of times each evening when nearly pooping my pants after a loud bang goes off somewhere nearby! The girls however think its great fun and will even go to bed with the curtains open in the hope of seeing some of the noise polluting sods (Now I sound like a grumpy old woman, but they were still awake and messing around at 10pm last night!)

Last week we caved in and got into the Halloween spirit by going to a Halloween themed night with Tracy and Steve. They said it was a costume party for the whole family, but they weren’t going to bother dressing up themselves. Thank goodness! I was up all night making the girls something and didn’t have the time or enthusiasm for making myself and Dan something too (Although I would never get Dan into a costume without a fight – he’s never been one for dressing up*)

The evening itself was really good, the bar had made a real effort in decorating the hall and the music wasn’t even that bad. Leaving was a blur and the girls talked none stop about it for two days afterwards which is always a good sign of a good night out.

We didn’t however go trick or treating on the 31st as the costumes (Bin bags, sticky tape and newspaper) were all but destroyed from the evening, but may make an effort to see any fireworks displays on the 5th…take the curtain net off and switch all the lights out! LOL

*Even on our wedding day, he wanted to wear black jeans and his steel toe caped caterpillar boots and didn’t want to wear a tie. I got the pants changed and the tie on, but can’t remember if he got away with the boots? I do remember them having HELP written across the sole though…Little shit!

Gone already!

2007-11-03T17:50:00.000-04:00

RRS James Cook

It’s only been 12 days and Dan has gone again!

I should be toughened up to it by now (being married to a sailor for 7 years) but for some reason it’s seems to be getting harder each time. For the last two days I have been a mix of emotions;

Excitement - for Dan as this ship looks and sounds fantastic,
Emptiness - from the sudden disappearance of his presence,
Jealousy - as he is going on another adventure and I am left behind again,
Relief – that we can still communicate, since the ship has a permanent internet connection,
Worry – about how I will cope for three months without him and that his Visa will go through smoothly.
Disappointment – that we are going to miss another Christmas and New Year Celebration with Dan

I have begun to get good at covering the more depressing emotions up by humour, so hopefully you will see more cheerful blogs being posted for a few months – And I’ll try and be nicer to cats from now too!

Vacuum Cat'd

2007-11-03T15:35:00.001-04:00

While randomly scanning the internet I happened across this picture, which made me laugh, as I’m imagined this is what a cat would look like if you had a camera on the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner!

And of course the end result

Cat Problem Solved!

2007-11-02T15:47:00.000-04:00

When we left the Falklands we had to leave our cat (Chelsea) behind. Mainly because transporting her would be very expensive, she is 8 years old and not a good traveller, even on short trips, so a 6,000 mile trip would probably kill her! I contemplated other ways of bringing her with us, but all were scrapped since they contained skinning and stuffing her. So she is now residing at horseshoe bay farm and from the last post card (incredibly clever cat) she is having a fantastic retirement.

Not long after arriving in the UK we also visited the RSPCA shelter and signed up for adopting a new cat or even a dog (It takes 3 months to be accepted and we have to find a larger house first anyway). And then the RSPCA lady that visited the other night (see previous blog) my mind has always been occupied with animals and our old girl down south.

Coincidently I was sent this the other day from a friend with a comment on one of my ideas for solving this cat problem.

BBC News Headlines - Saturday, 13 October 2007, 11:14 GMT 12:14 UK

Homes needed for cats and kittens

An appeal has been launched to find homes for more than 100 unwanted and abandoned cats and kittens in Bradford

Basically there is one idea that could not only solve the excess cat problem but could be a good little money earner for the RSPCA – SLIPPERS!

It’s a great idea when you think about it – No starving, abandoned animals…novelty slippers and extremely warm feet! Even making them wouldn’t be a chore you leave the head on and could even turn the tail into a strap that goes around the ankle. Not that I’ve given it much thought...

“The white twins don’t talk to me much now” Pickles commented at a recent interview.

Spagnet

2007-11-02T11:29:00.000-04:00

I am now convinced I'm a human magnet for special needs people! They seem to single me out of a crowd – I don’t know why I’m any different to the other 50-100 people standing in the area, but I’m obviously giving off something that attracts these people - like a bee to nectar or a fly to shit?

Take Wednesday for instance; I was minding my own business in the college library, knelt down in front of the Psychology for teachers books (It’s far more interesting than it sounds), when I caught a figure out of the corner of my eye heading my way. Disregarding this as there were a few people in the area I continued scanning the shelves. Seconds later an electronic wheelchair was parked up alongside me and a girl starring cross-eyed down at me. She mumbled something, which she had to repeat 4 times because I couldn’t understand her, but I finally narrowed it down to Art and easy books. I lead her to that section, showed her down the aisle and quickly high-tailed it into the depths of the library (I wasn’t going to hang around and find out if I had guided her to the wrong area!) After waiting a little while I managed to sneak back to my shelf, grab a few books that I hoped will be useful and depart the building and college before I’m cornered again!

Another encounter was in a Restaurant/Bar on the High Street with Dan and the girls. We were sitting down for a meal, when a lady and her son sat down at the table adjacent us. All was fine until she went to order the food and he started talking to us about beans. It was then we realised this adult male had the mental age of a 6 year old. The rest of the meal was really uncomfortable as the chap keep talking to us…now about tomato sauce and sausages – I’ve never eaten so fast and feel sorry for the girls having to bolt down their food too.

And at a different restaurant/bar in Gunwharf Quays one time - we were already sat at our table again, eating our meal when a strange looking guy came in a sat on the sofa behind us. He seemed fine for a while until he started talking…to himself. I kept my head down and didn’t make any sudden moves in case we made eye contact and he decided to start talking to us. We did actually get away with it as he finished his beer and left the room. We chatted about how he must be thinking we are an ignorant bunch of buggers, but then thought he was probably having such a good time with his imaginary friends he probably didn’t even notice us and three other families in the room with him/them?

One last incident was collecting Katie from school – There’s a special needs lady that lives close to the school. On our way home she was just heading in through her house gate when she suddenly stopped and starred right at me. I almost froze for a moment while thinking “Oh no, please no!” When thankfully the carer called for her to go inside - a huge sigh of relief flowed through me - This would be the fourth awkward encounter in less than two weeks!

So there now has to be enough evidence that they are conspiring against me. I must have an invisible "spagnet" tattooed across my forehead so I can attract awkward situations more easily…Joy!

Illegal Alien

2007-10-27T11:13:00.000-04:00

The illegal immigrant is back, although by the skin of his teeth by the sound of it – only his gift of the gab on the immigration officer scraping him through the arrivals hall at Heathrow – The alternative being deported back to St Petersburg, Russia (his favourite city port).

So after two days locked away in the house, just in case immigration are looking for him we finally decided to venture out and take a stroll into the High Street. A visit to the Library was in order as I needed to find some books on Psychology, Childhood Development and Motivation (sounds riveting doesn’t it?) for my course work. It took some time, but I managed to find a book on Psychology for Teachers and Cognitive Psychology which made me feel really important and clever when hiring them out, although that soon disappeared when I got home and started scanning through it - Page 506 of cognitive development later and I’m wondering if this book was even worth hiring?

Getting back to the main story…Eventually arriving at the High Street we realized we had made the same mistake we always do…coming here on a Tuesday. Tuesday is market day and the street is full of stalls, but worse than a hawker trying to sell you cheap tat is the old people trying to push past you to buy the cheap tat! If you think old people are slow and insane you are wrong – they can move for a bargain quicker than a kingfisher diving for his breakfast. (I have related them to these little birds mainly because of the similarity in colours they wear!)

Half way through I can see the kids are tiring from the constant granny comments and pats on the head so we make a break for Woolworth’s (which would normally be full of the old people, but thankfully they are all too busy outside). We amble around for a while looking at Halloween costumes and possible birthday presents for Katie, which is not going to be a Halloween costume before you think I’m a total cheapskate!

As I walked away from the witches dresses thinking “What a rip off” Dan grabs my arm and leads me towards a rack full of computer games. He quickly points at the £4.99 sign on all games then tries to lure me in further by pointing out a new Settlers game on the rack. As I go to pick it up and have a look he quickly throws MotoGP 2008 in my hands and grins cheekily. Puppy eyes and negotiating ends up in both games heading to the counter only to discover the Moto GP game wasn’t supposed to be on that rack and was £9.99 – We still got it though…I’m far too soft!

So with games in hand our new mission was to get home and load them up. As we departed Woolworths we looked back up the street to see the old people still going strong - thinking about the nightmare of walking back through this we turned towards the ferry route and high-tailed it away from the crowds.

The walk along the waterfront was peaceful, we watched a few ferries sailing past and stopped a little further along while Dan and Katie climbed up a small bank (Although it would have seemed like a mountain to them). They lay down on top and rolled to the bottom. Becky and I also had turns and after we were all thoroughly covered in grass cuttings we continued home.

Everyone was knackered by the time we made it to the front door, I felt in my pocket for the keys, but remembered Dan was last out so asked him for the house keys. He tapped and felt in every pocket, scanned the pram, even checked the girl’s pockets, but nothing…our only house key was gone! Dan headed back to the hill rolling some 2 miles back, thinking that was the only possible place they could have fallen out, while I attempted a break in. I got as far as getting the lower half of the door unlocked and a red arm from trying to get the upper half unlocked through the letter flap when Dan arrived back, although he couldn’t find the key. We eventually managed to force our way in and are now looking in the yellow pages for Locksmiths…sigh!

The Numskulls

2007-10-22T12:26:00.000-04:00

I’m not sure if anyone remembers the numbskulls from the Beano comics? They were basically little guys in a mans head controlling each part of his head – There was Brian in a very obvious area, Blinkey on the eyes, and a few others whose name elude me at this time, (but what some childhood memories are flooding back thinking about these guys) So here’s a little blog that emerged from this flash back…

Out of Control

An alarm goes off the in the master control room, which startles brainstem from her slumber. She leaps from her chair and looks at the control panel to see a light flashing and the meter showing critical in the lower body region. Picking up the phone she calls through to their control room to see what the problem is?

After four or five rings the call is eventually answered

“Hello!”
“What’s going on down there?”
“What do you mean…oh...I’ll get back to you it appears we have a small pressure problem”

Squirt hangs up and turns to speak to Splat

“Is this in your area?”
“No sir nothing out of the ordinary here, although we have word from Chomper that a Pizza was consumed last night with lots spicy meats so we are preparing for the worst!”
“Right must be something here then – thanks”

After a little investigation squirt soon discovers the problem and telephones Goggles

“Hi - It’s Squirt – Where are we?”
“In a car”
“Right – Contact Brainstem and tell her we need to get home now please – Code blue! – Tell me the moment you recognise the area”
“No worries!”

Squirt presses a few buttons to allow the pressure to go down slightly then sits back with his hand over a big red release button, while monitoring the meters.

20 minutes later the pressure it back up to critical. The phone rings, it’s Goggles

“Good to go!”

Squirt slams the release button and thankfully the disaster is averted

Phew that was close Marie says – thought I was going to wee myself!

Hurricane Kate, Hurricane Becky and It’s a bit Breezy Sarah

2007-10-22T11:16:00.000-04:00

Almost every bath time for the girls’ results in them firstly fighting to not have a bath or tripping over and pushing each other to get in the bath, fighting over the few toys they are allowed in the bath and finally fighting to not get out of the bath. I can only compare it to a small hurricane – the wind gradually builds up until it’s blowing at full force (getting in the bath and fighting over the toys) then there is that eerie stillness when all is calm as the eye of the storm passes over (each has a toy and are reasonably happy. Until it’s time to get out (The second and probably most destructive part of the storm – It seems quite logical and the only thing missing is me boarding up the windows and hiding in a cupboard (which I have contemplated at times!)

One night a sudden burst of inspiration came to me - what did I used to do when there were limited or no toys in the bath…an empty shampoo bottle! Sometimes the simplest items can make the best toys and it proved very popular – the only problem now was there is only ONE bottle! So although this great inspiration calmed the stormy waters for a while, as I showed them how to fill the bottle with water and squirt it back into the bath (or at each other), it soon turned into chaos as toys were quickly being lobbed at each other and grabs made for the bottle! (Sarah scored out of it though since she wasn’t interested in the bottle and ended up with all the toys). Eventually after some negotiating they took turns with the bottle and I am now using extra quantities of conditioner on my hair to try and get another bottle faster and avoid the next watery war. In fact I’m using that much conditioner my hair is so shiny and smooth I’m sure if a bird shat on my head one day it would just slip off like an egg of a spatula! (I’m now hoping that theory will not be tested by any birds!)

Snails still striking!

2007-10-15T10:47:00.000-04:00

It would appear the offer of racing stripes and extra slime was not good enough for our striking snails as they are planning another protest for all of this week!

When I heard the news on the radio I went straight out to see if my striking garden pest was following suit. He wasn’t, and a slug was now occupying the space on the leaf. As I walked away almost disappointed that my own personal garden striker was protesting elsewhere it suddenly occurred to me that a snail without a shell is…A SLUG! So he’s obviously seen the stripes and either sent his shell away to be cleaned or has sent it to the snail union who are deliberating how good or bad this looks with Royal Mail? Either way my poor little striker is going to have a few cold nights ahead of him!

I wonder how long this can last for as it’s only going to work out bad for the snails – The longer they are striking the more undelivered mail piles up, so they are going to end up working harder than before catching up on the backlog.

I still think they should call in some reserves – I saw some spiders hanging around doing nothing today except waiting for some flies to join them for tea. And the ants…they would probably work for sugar cubes so pay wouldn’t be an issue? Oh well yet again I am left waiting, although I’m planning on bribing the shell-less snail with a little blanket and hot chocolate tonight to see if he will maybe go and get my mail?

What are the chances?

2007-10-12T05:30:00.000-04:00

OK its 7:30pm, the girls are tucked up in bed and you feel like a good long No.2 with a magazine or good book. You get comfortable on the throne, open your page and…knock, knock, knock goes the door…Oh great!

A few questions pass through my mind quickly – Who could that be? Should I ignore it? What if it’s important? Why now…at this very moment!? Another knock at the door gets me up from the seat, clean up quickly and rush downstairs now thinking “Oh god whoever it is will have just heard the toilet flushing and with my stuffy nose I don’t know if any smells are lingering either. As I walk briskly through the kitchen I also notice the mess of supper dishes that I was going to clear once I had relieved myself….great now they are going to think I’m a pig too!

Maybe I shouldn’t answer the door, but there’s no curtains on the kitchen window and there’s a chance they might have seen me approaching, if not then they surely would have heard me and possibly even smelt me (by which I mean my brain with all the hard thinking I’ve been doing in the last minute!)

So there’s no choice I open the door to a young lady with a blue RSPCA vest on, 15 minutes later I’m holding a thank you for joining pack and showing Laura (having been formally introduced for the paperwork) to the door. Just before she leaves she asks to borrow the toilet…much to my dismay I politely say “no worries” and escort her upstairs to the bathroom where I’m hoping to god there’s no smell in there or worse I haven’t left any skidders, since I didn’t have time to look back earlier.

She didn’t mention anything – maybe because she could see how tense I had suddenly become and that I was turning a nice shade of red - but thanked me for my time and was on her way into the darkness.

I loitered in the lounge for a while until I was completely confident she had gone then dashed upstairs to finish what I had started half an hour ago!

Wednesday...What a Day

2007-10-11T16:11:00.000-04:00

Wednesday - my favourite and least favourable day of the week! The best part of the day is going to Highbury College, learning more techniques of teaching and childhood development, following by a lesson of study skills…ok call me crazy, but I love college and would recommend it to any adult who missed out as an adolescent.

The down side (and I’m sorry it this sounds bad) is the special needs people who appear to have their classes on this day. Don’t get me wrong I don’t dislike or wish to discriminate against them; it’s just the awkwardness between us. I feel I should help a disabled person struggling to reach something from a shelf, or fighting with a door and their wheelchair, but I am reluctant to help because I worry they will get offended that I am trying to help them because they think that I think they can’t manage because they are handicapped. It’s a lose/lose in my mind and I have taken to just avoiding them at all costs during intermission, although this is not always successful.

While entering an unfamiliar building on site one day a little fellow approached me and quickly spluttered “Tell Paula I love her!” Of course my attention was elsewhere…like finding where the hell I had to go in this hamster cage, and I missed exactly what he had said, so being polite replied “I’m sorry?”
“TELL PAULA I LOVE HER!” I’m mean what is that all about? Who is Paula and who do you think I am? I quickly said “I don’t know” and made a break for the next available door, which thankfully was a stairwell so ran up the stairs. Another strange encounter was in the ladies toilets, again, I was approached by a lady who asked my name, then she told me hers and stood there slapping her face for a few minutes before turning and walking out of the toilets. I just don’t get these people what do they want from me? Was she trying to find out if I was Paula? Who the hell is Paula?! I’ve taken to going to one of the toilets in the gym hall that no one seems to use and having my break in the deepest part of the library – I figure it will take them some time to find me in here and when they do they will have to be quiet so won’t be able to speak to me. I’m not being discriminative – I just have a short attention span and can’t understand people who don’t speak clearly and I just don’t want to unintentionally upset anyone!

Anyway getting back to the main story…I’m on a tight schedule to get to and from the college. The morning went really well, we left the house at 7:30, I dropped the kids at the childminders at 8am and walked to the ferry, which I caught perfectly at 8:30am. I was even early for the bus and waited in the booth for 10 minutes before hopping on at 8:50. Thirty minutes later I am strolling into the school and sitting at an available chair ready for the lesson at 9:25 (considering the lesson starts at 9:30 I thought this was pretty perfect timing!).

Coming home however was a different story. I finished class early (2:40) and strolled straight to the bus stop, just in time to see my bus pull out from behind another one and off into Portsmouth without me…Damn it! So I checked the time table - the next one would be 15 minutes away…damn it again!! Eventually I got the next bus at 3:05 and was on my way (on the way I noticed another bus stop, one that was closer to the school and if I had just walked to it instead I would have caught that last bus easily! Hindsight is a wonderful…but mean thing - But I now have a mental note for next week!) We go under the motorway and pull up at the next stop. The driver opens the doors, stands up, collects his coat and bag and walks off. A few brief seconds pass, (which was enough time for my brain to think we have just been abandoned!) when another driver steps aboard and gets him self settled…phew that’s a relief, but time is ticking guys!!!

Another 15 stops and some ill-behaved school boys* later and we are finally at Gunwharf at 3:35! Just in time to see the Spirit of Gosport pull away from the berth…Damn it to hell!!! Thankfully Gosport Ferries lay on two ships during peaks times and one turned up within minutes of the other leaving, so I was still making ground even if it was a little slower than anticipated. By 3:55 the childminder is calling, as she was expecting me at 3:30 but said not to worry and that she was heading out, but the girls were at the house with her oldest daughter and childcare assistant. Eventually after booting it as fast as my legs would take me I arrived at 4:07, very sweaty since I wore a woolly jumper today thinking it was going to be a cool day and having power-walked with a heavy book bag!

I thanked the assistant who also gave me the low down of the days’ happenings, which was basically they had a fantastic time and were keen to come back. Although they need lessons on naughty steps…apparently one little boy was in trouble so had to sit on the naughty step. The girls having no understanding of a naughty step kindly went and sat with him to keep him company. It was a nice gesture, but that’s not going to teach anyone any lessons, so we are going to go home and talk about that one.

Half way home Becky decides she is tired and wants to ride on the pushchair, so I give in, just for the peace and to stop all the starring as a bawling kid walks past. Thank god for Katie being a big girl! We arrived home by 5pm, got supper, sod the house work, put the girls to bed, had a shower and crawled into bed…At least I know I’ll sleep well tonight and my throbbing leg muscles and feet thank me for getting off them finally too!

*Just my luck to catch the school run – I wonder why the bus drivers put up with these little trouble makers on their buses? For a start the cunning little shits were passing their tickets out the window to their mates so they could get on for free – I’m sure they would be getting an extra cheap rate anyhow! Then they sat there feet up on the seats, swearing and smacking each other. I did wonder for a minute why did I want to be a teacher and have to put up with these shit heads, but then I thought that’s exactly why…to sort these little shit heads out and maybe teach them some manners in public! It probably won’t fly, but there’s got to be some hope or every teacher would give up on students.

It's the music that we choose!

2007-10-09T16:43:00.000-04:00

While sitting running through some homework for school tomorrow (LOL Doesn’t that make me sound like a teenager again!) I was listening to the Yahoo Jukebox and a newly discovered “My station” section. Having already picked out my favourites (If you’re interested - Razorlight, Killers, Gorillaz, Supergrass, Radiohead…I think you get the gist?) I thought “My station” would have these lined up and possibly other similar artists?

That however would appear too easy for this jukebox and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m in a virtual pub where some jerk has come in, put £5 in the jukebox and selected every random crap song they can before promptly departing the building and stealing my beer at the same time!!!*

I have now worked out a system where by I play the Gorillaz 19-2000 tune (Hence the title) over the top of the crap songs that come on jukebox. And this seems to work swimmingly…listen to start of song, rate “Never play again” and press play on media player. I wonder though what the real effect of rating the songs “Never play again” has on them. Wouldn’t it be cool if when enough people clicked the “Never play again” button did the cowboys country guitar crumble into dust in his hands before he could squeak out another depressing “lost my cowboy boots under the hay in the horse’s barn” song! (That one may already be out though?)

Maybe Yahoo will work out my jukebox tunes one day, but for now at least I know I have a back-up and don’t have to contaminate my ears further.

* I feel I should confess to being one of these jerks one night in the victory bar when playing the chicken song twice! I can’t stress enough that it was because my finger slipped and I did actually stay and suffer the torture with the others - but it certainly made me drink faster! It may have had something to do with Nyree (chuck), although was such a long time ago and I would have no doubt been drunk so can’t honestly remember the excuse?

No Snail...No Mail!

2007-10-07T10:13:00.000-04:00

Call me sad, but I enjoy receiving mail…yes even junk mail (although it does get a little tiresome when you get the same dull advertising leaflet for the 15th time!) Nothing gives me more pleasure in the mornings than to walk out, cup of tea in hand, and check the mail box attached to the garden gate.

The girls also enjoy this ritual and I almost have to race them to the gate some mornings (Not just for the mail arriving, but the incredibly cute mail guy delivering it!). For some reason the girls believe they are expecting parcels and ask me each day “mummy is it for us?” to which I used to reply “No sorry dears” but after seeing their little faces drop I have now taken to saying “Yes” and promptly handing them the newest lot of junk mail. Oddly enough they frown at this and it is soon discarded on the kitchen table or lounge floor – It used to be the thought that counts?

It’s been days now since we haven’t received any mail and to add insult to injury I am actually expecting stuff! Each morning I go out in anticipation only to be greeted by mass of cob webs and spiders in the box, which makes me realise just how long it’s been if the spiders are making a home of this once busy mail highway!

One morning though I finally heard the problem - The news headlines “Do not post any letters or parcels as there is a mail strike” And it’s going to be at least a week…Just great! Apparently the snails are protesting to Royal Mail because they don’t get paid enough and are possibly making demands of jet propelled skis and high speed scooters. I wonder if they would just be happy with extra slime and white racing stripes painted on their shells?

I noticed a lone snail on one of the fig tree leaves in the yard the other day…he’s still there now, striking away, not a letter in sight! The woodlice though seem rather busy – Royal mail should employ them as reserves while they sort out the snail problem or better still employ the dragonflies – Might be faster than my email at the moment, but that’s another story/nightmare…

Oh well nothing I can do but sit here and wait like the rest of the UK, although maybe I’ll go and grab the white paint and visit my leaf striking pest?

Kaiser Cheifs 'Angry mob' – K9’s 'Angry Dogs'

2007-10-02T17:19:00.000-04:00

This emerged from a long car journey where Dan and I were killing time by making up our own words to songs that came on the radio. As you guessed Kaiser Chiefs were one and just had me in stitches for the remainder of the trip, as I thought up more and more pieces for it. So here’s the final version…Hope you enjoy.

Oh...and I should say no offence to the Kaiser Chiefs, I do actually like this song and many others you guys have released! And if you like and want to use this new version then help yourselves but please send me gig tickets

Also for those not familiar with the Kaiser Chiefs Angry mob song, then find it, play it and read along to the tune - It will make sense then.

I can poo anywhere
I’ll make you pick it up again and again
So I will poo everywhere
That way you will learn again and again

And it’s only ‘cos you buy the cheap crap doggy food
If you fed me something good you’d be saved
It’s only ‘cos you try to save a buck or two
It’s no excuse to say you’re on a poor wage

We could chew anything
We’ll eat all our toys again and again
So you will buy more of them
We can make you do anything we beg

If you only understood what we wanted from you
I would like to shove that clicker up you’re a***
You’re kidding yourself I still have control of you
Repeating actions is just what we do

So here we go with the walkies
Well, Can you keep up with me
Because we need all the exercise
And need to be let off the lead
So tonight we’ll sleep softly on your bed

You could try cleaning me
And no one would care apart from you and me
So you should stop cleaning me
It just makes a mess and soaks both you and me

It’s only ‘cos you bought expensive dog shampoo
If you give up now you’ll save a headache
You raise the scrubbing brush, you raise the damn shampoo
And you get a big wet tail slapped in your face

So here we go with the chase now
Can you catch up with me
The house will get real soggy
And that will be the end for me
So tonight I’ll sleep roughly in the kennel

We are the angry dogs
We eat the papers everyday
We lick who we like, we bite who we hate
But we’re also easily swayed

We are the angry dogs
We eat the papers everyday
We lick who we like, we bite who we hate
But we’re also easily swayed

We are the angry dogs
We eat the papers everyday
We lick who we like, we bite who we hate
But we’re also easily swayed

We are the angry dogs
We eat the papers everyday
We lick who we like, we bite who we hate
But we’re also easily swayed

We are the angry dogs
We eat the papers everyday
We lick who we like, we bite who we hate
But we’re also easily swayed

We are the angry dogs
We eat the papers everyday
We lick who we like, we bite who we hate
But we’re also easily swayed

We are the angry dogs
We eat the papers everyday
We lick who we like, we bite who we hate
But we’re also easily swayed

We are the angry dogs
We eat the papers everyday
We lick who we like, we bite who we hate
But we’re also easily swayed

We are the angry dogs

Back to School

2007-09-28T15:33:00.000-04:00

After weeks of bashing my head against a brick wall, I had finally discovered the route to eventually become a qualified teacher. My journey begins as a (immature) mature student of Highbury College, Cosham and an Access in Teaching Course, which will get me credits to apply to University.

Early September brings a mobile phone call in the middle of trying to control Becky’s whinging and frantically awaiting a bus that will hopefully get us back to Alverstoke in time to collect Katie from School. So unsurprisingly I was a little taken aback and not fully concentrating on the lady calling to ask if I could attend an interview at Highbury on Monday. After hanging up, catching the bus and just collecting Katie on time did my brain finally process the information that managed to seep through to my memory cells, although this was rather muddled and a return call to the number on my mobile was required. After making a complete arse of myself by firstly getting the name of the lady wrong did I then realize I had no idea were the college is and was forced to call back again! The interview was going to go swimmingly I thought to myself sarcastically!

So Monday arrived and I set off for Highbury via the only bus that covers our area, then catch the ferry across to Portsmouth and finally a train ticket to Cosham (this only being my second time ever on a train so was quite an achievement not to have buggered it up completely – which leads me to believe…train time tables must be simple if monkeys can work them out!)

After a 15-minute walk from the train station, I finally arrived at the college…half an hour early for the interview. So I wasted 15 minutes sitting outside reception on a bench to calm myself and get my breath back (Surprising how unfit you discover you are until you have to power walk a short distance!).

The interview was not at all what I was expecting, although I’m not sure what I was expecting having already made an arse of myself to this lady by phone. Three of us were led up three flights of stairs (not a coincidence I’m sure?) The other two were rather large (I’m being polite!) and beginning to pant by the top, but I held back and forced my unfit body to not follow suit and gasp for breath – more for my peace of mind than anything, although one more flight and I might have started looking a bit flushed! We were herded into a tiny office, handed a timetable and asked what subjects we wanted to do – we would need 4. Ten minutes later I was being led down a corridor and into the middle of a Chemistry class that would become my Chemistry 1 every Monday from now.

Thankfully the teacher was very friendly and took this new intrusion to his class very well. Also lucky for me was they were doing GCSE Chemistry and I somehow remembered most of it from 1997 so it wasn’t too hard to merge into the class.

I am now on my third week at the college and enjoying every day…
Monday Chemistry 1,
Tuesday free,
Wednesday Education and Teaching and English in Teaching followed by s Study Skills lesson,
Thursday free until next term but then it will be Psychology
And Friday Biology 1.
Somehow I have a feeling a Primary teacher with a specialist subject of science is coming, but will see nearer the time?

Gosport-Liverpool-Gosport

2007-09-22T08:25:00.000-04:00

It was a particularly early start this morning, to be out the door and on our way by 5am to go to Liverpool some 260 miles away or 4.5 hours by car. This was hard enough for me, but the girls were especially disgruntled by the early wake up call. “Where are you taking us mum?” Katie croaked in a little voice, while slumped across my shoulder, as I carried her to the car. We saved them the trouble of having to try and get dressed while still half asleep and bundled them into the car in their pyjamas.

Miles were covered quickly in the early hours of the morning as unsurprisingly the traffic was fairly quiet – that and Dan was driving so the pedal was to the floor of the little Ford Focus and the Speedo rarely touching below 80 mph. I was just waiting for the wings to extend and for him to radio for clearance on the runway! It did however shorten the trip by half an hour and we arrived at our destination ‘The MCA Offices’ in Hightown, just north of Crosby by 10am. We are here to obtain Dan’s AB’s certificate, something he has longed for since going to sea at the age of 16. And half an hour later we out on our way, with a piece of paper and one very happy Dan!

After controlling the excited child (Dan) we decided to go a little further north and check out the Fleetwood area, as well as picking up some information from the Nautical college on the Officer of the Watch distance learning course (Dan’s new goal). The rain was now pouring down as we meandered our way up the country, splashing in puddles and almost soaking old ladies on our way, while joking about how the umbrella wasn’t going to stop them from getting wet!

Eventually we arrived at Fleetwood, which appeared a quiet and pleasant little town. But you should never judge a book by its cover or town by its entrance gate, as this was nothing short of a horror film. (Stephen King possibly lived here for a short while obtaining ideas for at least 10 of his books!)
We stopped at the college first as it was sign posted and my navigational skills are not the best in the world! We pulled into the first available parking space near the ruins labelled Fleetwood Nautical College to send Dan on his way to get some his information pack, although imagined him coming back with a ‘welcome to the ruins’ map and other tourist goodies after discovering it really was a historic ruin.

Artist Impression of College

It was the real college, although as our luck goes we arrived right at lunch and everyone was doing just that, the receptionist did however advise coming back in a while – what she failed to mention at the time was she was 15 minutes away from closing the reception desk for the day and no-one would be able to get anything after then!

So we ambled off unknowingly to have a look at the rest of Fleetwood and find some lunch. It didn’t take us long to locate a shopping mall (although we did find the back entrance and somehow completely missed the main entrance? – Possibly something to do with my navigating, but I’m sure Dan’s driving had a hand in it too!) We finally found the car park and bounded off to the entrance gates

It only took a few steps to enter into this bizarre setting and immediately contaminate our eardrums with the worst song in history (Love is all around us by Wet Wet Wet). Quickly joking this off, we continued into the mall. It was the strangest mall I have ever seen (although I haven’t seen many) but looked like someone had started to build a traditional British seaside resort and gave up when they reached the first floor!

Shops stood gloomily under a single side of a building, which had then been painted sky blue (possibly to disguise they were even there?) To add to this setting a seagull had perched on top of one of the roofs and screeched a heartedly seagull screech. Much to my amusement Dan commented on them playing seagull music to add to the scene, until I pointed out the real seagull on the roof, which then took this opportunity to fly away. Barely controlling my laughter I managed to further insult Dan by remarking that maybe it was a mechanical gull and there would be someone sitting on a bench with a remote control somewhere?

We eventually found a food court at the furthest point of the mall with our ears now covered to stop them bleeding from the pain of the awful music, which had now moved to something a little less, but still very morbid! While Dan order, I took the girls to the toilets and noticed a Cash machine located directly outside the ladies – Maybe it’s me but isn’t this a strange place to locate a cash machine? The girls went to the toilet, washed their hands and we headed back to Dan. On the way out I stopped at the cash machine, inserted my card withdrew some cash and card and walked away thinking “That was a convenient place for a cash machine”

Luckily we managed to get some food before three fatties arrived and ate all the food! I don’t normally take to watching people in restaurants, but I couldn’t help but watch the fat boy scraping the mere morsels of food off the cardboard plate. I wondered why he didn’t just eat the cardboard; maybe he was just being polite in public? Unsurprisingly they finished before us too and waddled out of the door. 5 minutes later we left and soon discovered them feeding small pieces of bread to the ‘mechanigulls’ possibly to lure them into their reach and swallow them whole, having not been fulfilled by the 10 course meal they had just bolted down.

Another mournful song was playing on the loudspeakers (Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush – Don’t give up). Do these guys want us to commit suicide!? Maybe they wanted us to leave quickly so they could close up for lunch? And playing all most depressing music in the world would remove everyone…well it worked for us, we practically ran through the exit gate, to the car to get away from the torture!

After discovering the college reception was closed we gave up hope and headed home via the M6…what a big mistake that was…5 miles in 30 minutes, was enough to tear your hair out and it was only 3:50pm! To entertain ourselves and remove the morbid songs of Fleetwood Morbid Mall we sang nursery rhymes and memorable songs with the girls. It was soon discovered that Dan knew the Milky Bar Kid Song and could recited it word perfectly…15 or so years since he last saw it!

Eventually we caught the next service station and thankfully after ½ hour of wasting time in there the traffic had cleared a bit. We finally made it home by 9pm, staggered into the house and straight to bed, which was almost still warm from were we had left it this morning!

The Short Story

2007-09-09T12:02:00.000-04:00

After fighting with the computer and internet for so long I decided to merge the blogs I have typed into one, but even this was taking forever so here’s the really short version…

Note: I find it more amusing to use the Gordon Ramsay style (when he is showing you how to cook one of his recipes)

Big plane, flying, taking ages, tired, eating lots, drinking lots, peeing lots, poo everywhere! (Thanks Becky!!), smell unbearable, Half way stop (Ascension Island), dark, hot, sticky. Reload, sleep (well try to!) Flight finished - thank god! Knackered! Meet Dan, load car, go home. Arrive, unload, tea, shower, BED!

Check out house, check out car, get another car, drive, good fun, speeding a bit, speed camera, damn it!, no bill in post…Oh well?. Lost in ASDA, lost in Tesco, lost in Morrisons, no more superstores! See sights, scout area, pubs located, still knackered though!

Dan to Baku…gutted! Investigate area further. Find park, Find Pond, Find Swans, Feed swans* get bitten, curse swans, go home. Kids tired, long walk, need drink, hear tune, Ice Cream van! Walk faster, kids slow, find road, van gone, gutted again!

See butterfly, find shop, buy nets, hunt butterflies, get stung by nettles, miss butterfly, curse butterfly, curse nettles, go home.

Clean house, tea on step, fluffy tailed rat! (Managed to get this one posted)

Go to shops, get on bus, funny smell, old people, get off bus, funny smell gone? Walk down High Street, market day! Stalls everywhere, cheap tat, buy new purse, good cheap tat! McDonalds, 2 happy meals, one big mac, three cokes, hyper kids, walk home fast.

Marwell Zoological Park (Not a children’s nursery rhyme!)

Giraffes tall, warthogs small, leopards hide, buffalo wide, flamingo pink, skunks do stink! Tiger stripes, Bats no lights. Fish, snakes, a thousand ants, Becky nearly wets her pants.

Zebras fat, Monkeys smile, rain is heavy…wait a while. Train goes past, walking fast, lightening, thunder, tour down under. Skippy sleeping, parrots loud, time to push through this big crowd. Wom-bat, bouncing rat wish I’d brought a waterproof hat.

See more, Hippo snore, too many ga-zelles on this tour! On site shop, souvenirs, wish I didn’t bring kids in here! Cuddly toys, really tired, get into the car we’ve hired, long drive, motorway, home, tea, what a day!

Staunton Country Park (Not another children’s nursery rhyme!)

Food pellets, sheep and grass, do not feed the short fat Ass. Jacobs horns, Goose shit, watch the llamas ‘cause they spit! Fat Pigs, trees and twigs, chickens with some funny wigs, Big cock, don’t stop creepy turkey on that plot!

Red deer comes up close, goats balance on fence post. Shetland ponies, Shire horse, in a field full of gorse. Rabbit cages, cow pen, stop throwing pellets to the hens! Kids park, slides & frames; here comes the f***ing rain again! Small tower, barn owl, should have brought a bloody towel.

Birds of prey, flower beds, rain pouring on our heads. Pretty peacock makes a noise, another shop, kids want toys. Mad dash to the car, drive home, not too far, grumpy kids no toys for them, finally make it home again.

Dan back (with moustache) – LOL, Pick self up off floor and greet.

That’s about caught us up so hopefully I will be able to post further longer blogs about events.

*(3 weeks later – Sign “Don’t feed swans too much algae”!)

Fluffy Tailed Rat

2007-08-06T10:35:00.000-04:00

The weather has turned nasty this week, more so in the north of England where they are suffering floods People have been evacuated from their homes, to be temporarily relocated, for their own safety. It’s awful but truly amazing to watch the footage on television – cars almost submerged, a telephone box in the middle of a newly created lake and an old man in a canoe…bet he’s pleased he started that hobby when he did!

I have never seen so much rain – it really is bucketing it down! Not so bad down here in Gosport but wet all the same. I am not completely disheartened by this damp week and quite enjoying looking out the half door, watching the vertical rain pound the grass – I wonder for a minute what chaos is happening in the ant world? It’s nice to watch rain without the chilling winds that would accompany it down south. Another bonus are the thunderstorms which are, almost soil your pants scary…but fantastic!

It’s Wednesday and there’s a small break in the weather so what better thing to do than…. catching up on washing! (I’m a cheap-skate and will avoid using the tumble drier as much as possible…got down to the last pair of knickers once – slightly worrying as I wouldn’t be brave enough to go GI Jane I don’t think) I know it’s sad but we weren’t planning on going out with the weather as is anyway (except for the property management supplement that only comes out on Wednesday’s!*)

After piles of washing and some house work I decided to take a well earned break and after making a cup of tea, grabbed a home baked cookie (God I’m sounding like a proper bloody housewife…need to get to school or work again soon I think!) sat on the front door step and enjoyed the sun that had timed a break in the clouds to fit in perfectly with my tea break…how lovely J

I sat daydreaming, while taking in the sun and greenery, when I noticed my little ant friends…they had survived the downpour. Well some of them had – I have to admit there wasn’t quite the usual swam that cover the step. I shared a few crumbs of biscuit and continued daydreaming…now about the ants. Wondering if they would accept my offering and what they would look like with a whole crumb on their backs? Before any ant carrying activity occurred I was disturbed by a scratching sound on the opposite side of the, half collapsing, fence.

My attention was now fully on this noise and a hole it appeared to be heading for in the fence. No sooner did it reach the spot and a grey hairy face appeared, then a long grey body…my heart skipped two beats as my legs were ready to propel me backwards into the house, of course my initial thought was it’s a rat and in broad daylight too cheeky little bugger! It wasn’t until the bushy tailed followed did some recognition follow, but I still had the fright and flight instinct on. (Memory serves you never fight a rat…or is that you never corner a rat, either way just stay away from them!)

After leaping onto the fig tree, down onto the lawn, three bounds across the grass and scampering back up the fence did I my brain finally confirm it was in fact a grey squirrel He scrambled through the bushes and sat for a minute on top of the fence. Before I could yell quietly (yes…yelling quietly is quite an art and I’m not a master at this yet, but will work on it) to the girls to see their first squirrel…not rat…squirrel it was gone, over the wall. My heart almost back a regular beat, legs a little wobbly and breathing much slower, did I sit and consider what I had just experienced…my first squirrel since moving here…fantastic!

*For those who haven’t been cultured yet this is a 20+page newspaper supplement that is filled with houses for sale and to let. This is only my second week of this paper, but I love day dreaming, circling the lovely little rural cottages, while trying to ignore the £300,000+ price tag that accompanies them. I mainly use it though to source out our next home. This has proved useful in many respects, as I am now fairly familiar with the whole Hampshire are so would know what town I was lost in but no idea how to get out.

May! Has it been that long?

2007-08-04T16:01:00.000-04:00

Apologies folks it’s been an interesting few months, but the chaos has finally settled down and we are sipping cold beer (cold juice for the girls) and eating strawberries in the sun in the south of England.

I have been jotting down stories and events the past 2 months and will post them as soon as I can so stay tuned!

Would you still go to the sweet shop.....?

2007-05-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

I received this joke last week from a friend and after the initial shock of its content have been in stitches ever since.

I hope you enjoy it too :-)

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and raisin , she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the onewith the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked into a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out thelight for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his handinto her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.

He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take atrip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring.

He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wantedmore, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!!

Apologies

2007-05-13T22:13:00.000-04:00

Sorry for my slackness in not writing posts for some time. I have no excuse, other than I haven’t even had time to fart let alone write!

I have only just now found an open window of “Free time” where I am able to update you (whoever reads this – probably nobody?) on the latest events of my life.

I can’t make any promises, but will do my best to keep the posts coming.

Cat woman

2007-04-15T22:38:00.000-04:00

One evening I stayed back late at work to continue the mountain climb I had started previously. It’s now taken 5 days and 27 attempts to even get close to campsite three. Whatever the case I soldier on as I always do…just stubborn I suppose?

Surprisingly I can achieve more work in two hours, after hours, than a normal 7.5 hour day (probably shouldn’t announce that, but unfortunately it’s true) Half way through the evening I am disturbed by a cat fight - I assume they are fighting since that awful mournful meow keeps filling the airwaves.

Eventually having heard enough of this painful noise I get out of my seat and stretch my neck out of the window, but before yelling something unspeakable from a young lady I take notice of the situation - One big black cat has a smaller tabby trapped against a fence with no way of escaping. Outraged by this bullying I think quickly and frantically look around the office for something to throw at him. This took some deliberation since I couldn’t throw anything of value and had to resort to a marker pen. I suppose if I were cat woman I would have leapt from the building landing “cat style” on the ground below, spring across, grab the nuisance by the scruff of his furry neck, and kick his less furry arse!

But this would take too long and my tabby friend was running out of meows, so I took aim and lobbed the marker as hard as I could. This inevitably landed short by two meters, but was close enough to distract the bully. The tabby didn’t need to be told twice and quickly took this opportunity to exit stage right, although not at the speed I am sure it could have achieved. The bully being a bit slow, as most bullies are, didn’t notice this escape until the tabby had managed at least 5 cats lengths head start.
What happened after they disappeared behind the building I don’t know, but I can sit back at my desk with the satisfaction that I have saved someone from an arse kicking tonight.

Paper Mountain

2007-04-15T21:52:00.000-04:00

Over the past few weeks I have neglected to notice the small pile of papers on my desk accumulating. It was only by chance one day that I sat down at my desk with a cup of tea and decided to look up from the computer screen. Stopping in mid sip, my eyes widen to take in the huge paper mountain before me.

An assortment of questions begins filling my head - Where on earth did this mountain come from? How long has it been growing? Did I grow it? What shall I name her?* Whatever the case I’m gong to be the first to the summit and quickly scull down the last of my tea and rush to the kitchen for some equipment.

A while later I return with a spoon and blunt knife (digging gear) some string and plastic bag ties (climbing gear), two bourbon biscuits and a packet of milk (rations). I contemplated a bottle of oxygen, but could only find the fire extinguisher, and decided pure CO2 or foam was a bad idea! Finally I armed myself with the PAID and ENTERED stamps and set off.

Having sourced my knowledge of mountain climbing off Discovery channel I decided to set up camp at the base of (the newly named) ‘Mount Data” and pull out my homemade map formed using paperclips, since the mountain had consumed all the paper! Checked the compass, which pointed straight for the paperclip map, but tried to mark my current position. Unfortunately this ended up in a paperclip daisy chain and made my map unreadable, so I packed it away neatly and consumed the first bourbon.

Two hours later I leave camp and begin the trek. What seems like hours of stamping (trekking), shuffling (climbing) and filing I finally reach campsite two. It’s here I encounter the first signs of life in the form of a goat. I ask for directions, but unfortunately can’t speak fluent goat and it just walks away without even a backwards glance. “Fine I find my own way then just don’t eat my mountain!”

I decide to not stay long at campsite two and consume the last bourbon and milk quickly. Another four hours into the journey and I look at my watch…Shit 4:25 it’s nearly home time – maybe I’ll try and reach the summit tomorrow.**

* Who do I contact to register new mountains for geographical records?

** With any luck the goat will consume my mountain!

The Earwig Jig

2007-04-09T21:15:00.000-04:00

I consider myself musical and enjoy dancing when I get the opportunity, although being fairly shy about my unique style only dance at home in the lounge with the curtains blinded. Don’t get me wrong I have rhythm!* But have a tendency to flap my arms uncontrollably and leap around like a kangaroo on speed…even more so after a few beers! (Don’t believe me? Just go to Deanos (local pub/club) one weekend – I’m already blushing thinking about it, but thank fully too drunk to notice the laughter at the time).

I only refuse to do a line dance or anything with country music. Although there has been the rare occasion where I have been seen to Foxtrot and Quickstep, but I tend to be waltzing out the door by the third country song, since I can’t stand the depressing lyrics and am normally too pissed to stand let alone dance. It’s quite enjoyable making up new titles for country songs though like:

“I lost my cowboy boots on the hokey pokey down town alley round the corner”
“Stop that dixie dog drivin’ a train of daisies round my heart”
“Take my money, my wife and home, but leave my guitar alone!”
The list goes on…**

Just recently I have created a new dance, which I like to call “The Earwig Jig” Basically you feel a tickle (say down you leg, on your arm or across the back of your neck) leap up, hop from foot to foot while turning in circles and slap the invisible beasties frantically. This is enhanced with the lyrics “F***ing horrible little b**tards!” This is quite amusing especially as a spectator…even more so when there are no earwigs in sight and you realize it’s all in their heads.

* I can play most music, I hear (hopeless at reading music though), on a piano and have even accomplished mission impossible – with both hands (Nyree!)
** The saddest part about this being I’m am very close to true country song titles – look it up if you don’t believe me!

And this picture sends a chill down my spine! Will be jigging any minute now!

Moving Overseas

2007-04-08T12:56:00.000-04:00

A new experience, a new challenge and even more chaos!

We have finally decided to stop talking about moving overseas and take action on our words. Dan requires his mates ticket to get any further in life as a sailor and more so to appease his mind that constantly reminds him he is a 32-year-old deckhand.

I haven’t experienced this “I’m getting old and what have I achieved?” factor yet since I’m only 25 (although pushing 26), but feel I should stop wasting time now, (stop having children for a start) and get some qualifications under my belt before it’s too late.

With the mission set it’s time to get motivated…begin the countdown